over a year later

and i feel like i'm back on the backburner.
it won't work like this.

and so it goes...

as the entirely of the world around me crumbles down into messy, convoluted pieces and as the channels in my brain fishtail plait themselves into a mess of mind-numbing fuckery and jibberish, i am excited for this. i can't help but allow myself to hold some hope.
i have so much power at this point. and you can bet your bottom dollar i'm going to stretch it out for as long as i'm able. i deserve this. and you know it. that's what makes this all so much more enjoyable.

but as much lee-way i know i carry, i'm giving this to you. this is in your hands.

prove me wrong, you win.






you always liked games though, didn't you?

lifted weights

i just have to get this off my chest.

wednesday night was incredible. one of the best nights i have had in a long long time. as childish as it was to leave my house in the pouring rain in the middle of the night and to sit in my parked car outside of his house for 3 hours, our conversation was one of the most comfortable i've had in months.
and just... everything. being kissed like that. being held like that. for someone to get clammy hands over me... to make someone that nervous. to make someone that excited to spend time with me...and then to make someone so happy over just being able to kiss me. such a good good feeling.
and it went both ways. i was just as excited. and just as happy. and just as mesmerized.
and those eyes. god damn those eyes. and that smile. damn.

then those subtle remarks: "you should have a girlfriend...", "you...you.". and the face holding. and pushing back my hair. and all the holding. goodness, all that holding. i felt so secure with myself and so comfortable with everything.

my compulsive side says we can. we can try. we can do it. but i know we never will. and i know we never could. it's too fragile and it would break so quickly. but i love the idea.

i don't need anyone to take care of me. i don't. i don't. i don't.

i cut my bangs

i haven't had bangs in over a year. just about.
today i took scissors and snipped away until i was satisfied.
there's something freeing about cutting your own hair. dead cells with no nerve endings, but still a part of you and your body.
i want to chop all of my hair off one day. it's always been on my mind and i really think it's something i should do at some point in my life. i was tempted to do it today. i stared at myself in the mirror for a good 60 seconds before i made the decision to put the shears back on the counter.
the sad thing is, the only reason why i didn't do it is because i'm worried about what people would think. i'm worried that people wouldn't think i'm pretty anymore.

i love being home and feeling whole again. that void is somehow always filled when i'm back, even though so much is still awry.

i tell my mom a lot these days. much more than i would have ever dared to tell her when i still lived in this house. and she's the same way. there are no filters between us anymore...at least none that are too limiting. i like that.

i'm struggling to figure out if i want a relationship or just a warm body. most nights, i just want a warm body. boyfriends make me feel sick and being a girlfriend again makes me feel even sicker.
but then there are a lot of times when i want romance in my life again. it's funny how i used to thrive off of the romance and it was all that i believed in. i'm not so sure about it anymore. i'm not sure if there is such a thing, and if there is, if i even need it at all. i've done so well without it at this point...
i don't believe in love anymore either. and commitment. and trust. they aren't real. they're feelings. and feelings are fleeting.

hopeless romantic gone pessimist.
and perfectly content with it all.