Austin

Monday, December 14, 2009

I’m becoming a real traveler. I can get to the airport on time, get checked in, and get on a plane all on my own. I have these moments where I kind of sit back and realize that just six months ago I’d been traveling either with my parents or my entire family. I never traveled anywhere (besides in my car) without a travel buddy. But I’m slowly becoming an adult. It’s a strange thing to come to realize.

I loved Austin. In the three busy days I spent there I fell in love with South Congress (locally referred to as SoCo) and the never-ending supply of music and food all around the city. My flight arrived around 3 in the afternoon. Considering the time change, it was around 1:00 my time. Dad picked me up and we immediately drove out to his new office building where I was introduced to a handful of his coworkers. All were fairly young (early to mid-thirties) and seemed to be nice. Dad was really excited about the office and the company in general. He has high hopes of becoming an owner of the company within the next year, and if things go the right way, that’s where he’ll be. That would be very good news for my family as far as finances go. From the office, we spent the next hour driving around various parts of Austin, listening to my dad explain the streets and the buildings. There was so much history about which band played where and what celebrity lived on what street I was quickly exhausted. I decided I wanted to take a nap and get a quick shower in before we picked up the rest of my family later that night. After checking into the hotel, Dad and I swung by the restaurant downstairs. Lo and behold, it was happy hour and the usual pricey appetizers were half off. This was lucky for me because I was starving and the lamb sliders sounded much too appealing to pass up. After getting those delectable burgers to-go, Dad left to give me some time to rest and freshen up. I decided to take a very hot, very long shower: Typically the most desirable thing after a day of traveling. I took my time getting myself together, donning my cowboy boots for the evening events, before letting Dad know I was ready to be picked up.

We used the next hour to further explore downtown Austin, specifically 6^th Street and the stretch of clubs, bars, and restaurants. The night had hardly begun and people were already starting to fill the street. We rolled down our windows and let the various bands in bars act as our radio. Because the weather was a bit unfavorable, the floor-to-ceiling window/door pieces of each building that are typically wide open were closed, save for the few that let us listen to some good folky tunes. The nightlife was intoxicating and I got really excited thinking about future dates and girls’ nights spent walking up and down this street. After admiring various popular restaurants, we made our way to the airport to pick up the rest of the O-gang.

We ended up going to a party for this up and coming brand of tea called Sweet Leaf. The airplane hangar turned office building was filled with 30-year old business men and women, Austin-style. Boots and floral prints galore. I loved it because I got the chance to people watch. We were introduced to a few more of my dad’s coworkers who showed up and we snacked on TexMex and free tea. Music was bumpin’, Super Mario was playing on a big screen television, and an entire room was dedicated to ping pong/beer pong. Even with so much going on, it wasn’t a kid-friendly scene (although, I don’t really count as a kid anymore…). We got bored pretty quickly and left about an hour into the party. We finished the night off with dessert at this tiny little restaurant that was playing The Goonies on a brick wall. We gave the boys a quick tour of 6^th street and the surrounding areas before heading back to our suite at the Four Seasons.

Bright and early we awoke the next morning. The ‘rents picked us up and we drove over to the Whole Foods headquarters. Offices adjacent to, I’m sure, the country’s largest Whole Foods grocery store. We feasted on breakfast tacos and coffee then made our rounds around the store. I enjoyed the free samples. Our next destination was South Congress. We zipped in and out of the stores there, browsing for Christmas gifts and generally taking in the good Austin vibes. We hung around the trailer area for lunch and tried our first “cone” food. The Mighty Cone. A small white trailer plastered with menus and neon signs. Chicken and avocado cones are most popular and my family played it fairly safe by sticking to that. Deep fried chicken and avocado come together in a tortilla, covered in a mild chili sauce. The whole thing is put into a paper drink cone and served. An interesting but very tasty concept. With my glass Coke bottle in hand, it was a close to perfect midday meal. Our next stop was Hey Cupcake! down the block. Another trailer, topped with a spinning pink cupcake. We got them boxed togo and continued on up SoCo. We made a stop at the famous Lucy in Disguise With Diamonds costume store. Every space was filled with a wig, hat, dress, shoe, mask, cape, pant, eyelash…Everything you could ever want for a costume could be found in this store. Costumes were stored by Genre or movie or time period. It was fantastic, but I felt incredibly overwhelmed. Our next visit was to Big Top Candy Shop. I was in love. The walls were painted with red and yellow stripes, like a circus tent. Vintage posters and instruments decorated each wall and candy spilled out of buckets in the center of the room. Practically every candy you could ever want could be found there, plus ice cream! The boys dug right in and I wandered around with my camera.

After a bit more wandering, we went to dad’s apartment. I took a quick nap on the couch while mom and dad got ready for the office party. The “kids’” plans for the night? Dinner and a movie…while watching a movie. The Alamo Drafthouse is a weekend hotspot for Austinites all around. An old movie theater, with rows of seats gutted out and replaced with bench tables. You sit, you order, you watch a movie, you eat. We ordered burgers, cokes, and shakes and watched New Moon. Afterwards, we called ourselves a taxi to get back to our hotel where we passed out and slept soundly.

The family had brunch at South Congress Café and ate some of the best breakfast food in the country. The freshly made tortillas and migas were delicious. My stomach is growling just remembering…

I’d heard that Ben Kweller was in town recording a new project. He’d posted the location on Twitter, so naturally, I looked it up to see how far away it was from downtown. Just 3 miles. Dad set up the GPS and we were off. We ended up in the middle of a neighborhood and thought we’d made a wrong turn…But then we noticed a shoulder-high iron gate revealing a dirt driveway in the middle of a field of dry yellow grass. It had the same address we’d looked up, so we drove on in. It was a dark wooded, almost cabin-like, house. Three cars were parked in the driveway with their windows open. We lingered around for a bit, trying to hear or see something…but nothing. Mom wanted to just walk right up and knock on the door, but I felt like that crossed some creepy lines. I chickened out and we continued on our Austin-adventure.

We killed time driving around neighborhoods, looking at potential houses. We made two more trips to Hey Cupcake! for more cupcakes and wandered around retails stores. Mom and the boys flew back home around 5 and dad and I went to this outdoor restaurant to eat and watch the Chargers-Cowboys game. After some good Tex-Mex, we headed back to his apartment where I, out of utter exhaustion, passed out almost immediately.

We woke up at 5:00 the next morning to get over to the airport for my very early plane flight back to Eugene. We said our goodbyes and I did my travel thing. Coming back to an abandoned and cold city was not fun. It seemed as though everything had just stopped… He was gone too, and it was almost like I could feel the difference in the air or something cheesy like that. It felt different and even though I was only back for 3 days, it seemed like much longer.

That’s my first trip to Texas. I’ll be updating with the rest of my break eventually… It’s proving to be a slow process. <3

another year gone by

Am I expecting something out of this year's birthday? I don't know.

I don't think about it. I don't want it to be a big deal. It's not. I'm hoping it won't really feel like my birthday at all so that way it'll be easier to brush it off.

I'll let you know the outcome. Maybe.

I'm losing my ability to write. It's not that I lack inspiration. That's seeming to come very easily lately... I just struggle to write well. It's all from intimidation. The pressure to not so much "beat you", but to at least be at your level. If I were to write a poem the length of yours, it would have taken me a good chunk of my day. I can't imagine you were sat down for much longer than 30 minutes. Not that it's poor quality by any means... Everything just comes so naturally for you. You're so good. At everything.

I'm trying so hard to keep up the walls. I pack more cement layers onto my heart every day...but you've got this new chemical that seems to melt the stone away... You don't realize what you do.

I'm too scared. I'm too exhausted. I'm too frustrated. But I want so badly to be saved.

loveology

Oh, an incurable humanist you are...

Let's go to the movies,
I will hum you a song about nothing at all...

Let's go to the movies, Let's go to the movies,
Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all.

Oh, an incurable humanist you are...

Let's go to the movies,
I will hum you a song about nothing at all

Let's go to the movies,
I will sing you a song about nothing at all

Let's go to the movies, Let's go to the movies,
Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all.

Sit down class, open up your textbooks to page 42.

Porcupine-ology,

antler-ology,

car-ology,

bus-ology,

train-ology,

plane-ology,

mama-ology,

papa-ology,

you-ology,

me-ology,

love-ology,

kiss-ology,

stay-ology,

please-ology.

Let's study class, let's study class. Sit down.

Love-ology,

love-ology,

I'm sorry-ology,

forgive me-ology,

love-ology,

love-ology,

I'm sorry-ology,

forgive me-ology,

love-ology,

Love-ology.

Let's study class, let's study class.

Love-ology. Let's study class, sit down.

Love-ology,

love-ology,

I'm sorry-ology,

forgive me-ology,

love-ology,

love-ology.

I'm sorry-ology,

forgive me-ology,

love-ology,

Love-ology.

Love-ology...

Oh, an incurable humanist you are..

Oh, forgive me, Oh, forgive me, Oh.

Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me-ology...

emily dickinson

I can never get enough of this poem. Especially the second stanza...

Before I got my eye put out
I liked as well to see —
As other Creatures, that have Eyes
And know no other way —
But were it told to me — Today —
That I might have the sky
For mine — I tell you that my Heart
Would split, for size of me —
The Meadows — mine —
The Mountains — mine —
All Forests — Stintless Stars —
As much of Noon as I could take
Between my finite eyes —
The Motions of the Dipping Birds —
The Morning's Amber Road —
For mine — to look at when I liked —
The News would strike me dead —
So safer — guess — with just my soul
Upon the Window pane —
Where other Creatures put their eyes —
Incautious — of the Sun —

you once said you wished my heart would come visit sometime.

it walks for days through cold rain to come knock on your door.

sometimes you answer, sometimes you don't.

but it still continues to come back.

it misses you & wishes you'd answer more often.

an addict, trapped inside her own addiction of being addicted. it's a never-ending cycle but the trade off is worth it. pain for love. pain for love. if it feels right, then do it. then let's do it. i'm here. where are you? i can't wait forever.

you said the leaves are symbolic.

i'm a leaf. i was green, fresh, new. then i turned orange. a gorgeous shade of orange that should have made you feel warm and safe. i was still safe then. but then i fell. slowly, gracefully, taking my time towards the soft earth...yet, i still fell.

and here i lie. on the damp ground. it's soft here, but i'm just waiting for you to notice my gorgeous shade. to gently lift me up and bring me into your safe home. to preserve me and keep me safe. not because you feel you need to, but because you couldn't stand to live without my perfect shade of orange. you wouldn't want to share my color with anyone else because i didn't change for them. i'm orange for you. it is your gift to keep.

don't leave me to turn brown and dry. i'll be too fragile. my pieces will crack and break and fall. i want to stay orange for you.

I'm finding symbolism in everything. How I talk, & I'm ignored. How I sacrifice, & it's seen as selfishness. How it's cold & rainy all the time now...

It's all symbolic.

I brought it upon myself, I know. Typically, I'd blame it on something. My mood, an illness, the time of the month, the situation, misinterpretation. But I don't have anything to blame it on this time. It's all me. I made the choice. I suffer the consequences.

I don't like hurting. I hate emotional pain much more than anything else. It's the reason why I started cutting, why I've suffered from every eating disorder in the book.

But it's also why I quit. It's why I decided to move away and be independent. To prove to myself that I can make my own life. I can do it all on my own.

I never had a doubt that I could make it all on my own. I never did. There have been setbacks, but I've overcome them. For the most part. My heart has been broken multiple times. Friends I thought would be there for me forever are gone. My family has disappointed me in a lot of ways. The one person I thought would always stand behind me and support me turned into the single person who was holding me back. The future that I was holding onto so tightly, relying on, depending on, praying for, who knows where his head is. I doubt it's with me anymore.

I keep repeating my love for consistency. But that's not it, not really. I just need to feel some compassion. I need something real. I need something solid. Words only mean so much to me. I need to feel it. Prove it to me. Show me. I need that.

I'm done chasing. I'm tired.

I need to focus on my life right now. I need to figure out where I'm going. I want you to be a part of that. I want you to be where I'm going. But I don't need hesitation. I don't need fear. I'm certain of what I want. I know you're not. Be free while you can. But I can't wait.

This blog wasn't supposed to be about you.

paused.

i was waiting for you.

for hours.

in all the wrong places.

did you notice i wasn't there?

i.

am.

down.

down.

down.

fallen.

you have my heart.

don't go.

I was on my way back to my apartment this afternoon when I began to mentally compose this blog. Hungover, exhausted, and frustrated, it was fairly easy to keep a flow going. But now as I sit here in my hunter green Snuggie (yes, I am really wearing a Snuggie) I'm finding it more and more difficult to revert back to that flow.

I suppose it's all relative.

I walked unusually slow today. Yeah, sure, my back is killing me, my leg muscles are tight, my head is throbbing, but I could have picked up the pace just a bit. I didn't. I wanted to think. I was outside in the clean, fresh air, just taking my time. No hurry whatsoever. I tried to take in the natural beauty of Eugene. I've been so clogged up with all this bad, all this negativity. I needed to take some time for myself.

It's also easier to distract your heart and your head when you're outside. I'm able to throw my soul into the trees, or the wind, or the wispy white clouds in the sky. I get to take back my heart, my head, my being and overwhelm nature with it. I needed this walk.

It's all relative...

I've always been much too passionate for my own good. I feel very alone in the way that I attach myself to specific things. I have never known anyone to tie themselves to something the way that I do. When I care, I care with everything in me. It's never just a single piece, it is always much more than necessary or desired. I think that's why I get confused as often as I do. My body is constantly switching gears from one things to another, one person to the next. It takes a toll on me. Not that I care about someone, then the next minute I'm over them. Not at all. There's always a piece of me that stays with everyone I care about. A more significant piece is left with the ones who mean more. My body is constantly readjusting to fit the situation. Or at least, it attempts to.

I think it's all relative.

response

It would be easy, huh? To say I love him and only him? To disregard everything I feel for you entirely? So simple, so easy. Pain-free really...

Yeah, I'll keep doing that. I'll keep hurting you.

"Hey, I know you try so hard. You've treated me better than anyone else ever has and I know that, were it permitted, things could be even better and I could be happy. But, well, I've got this boyfriend and I love him. So...sorry!"

Easy, right?

No. Not fucking easy. Not in the slightest bit.

It used to hurt every day. Because I missed him. I missed my home. I missed the comfort of familiarity, of family, of real, true love. That type of loss, as you know, is hard enough to recover from.

But I did. Because of you. You gave me the hope I needed to stay here. I'd been looking into buying a plane ticket back home to continue college there, back with the familiarity. But then you came along and you gave me a reason to stay. Or at least, a reason to consider sticking it out.

He represents security, consistency, safety, my past. He shaped me into the person I am now.

The girl you fell for.

It is hard for me on so many different levels to end that and move on. I don't like not knowing where I'm going emotionally. I love the consistency I had with him. But it's different now. It's not so constant. It truly is like being on a roller coaster, but in the dark. I guess like Space Mountain. You can never prepare for the drops or the lifts or the turns. & this roller coaster is an old rickety one. You slam against the seat with every movement. It's uncomfortable. Strained. But at least I know I'll remain on the tracks...

With you, there is no certainty. I know that you & I are very limited in what we're able to reveal to one another, so it is possible that much of my insecurity is fueled by the fact that I can't ask a question & get an answer. You represent everything new and fresh. Raw, in a way. Beautiful, but undeniably terrifying. I'm holding on to this theory of you only being attracted to the unavailable me. You have never met the available me. The free me. You might not like her. She's not any different, but if you are in fact drawn to me because you can't have me, then you may fall out of this.

You have had me though... You have taken a large part of me in such a short amount of time. & I have done the same with you. And while I am skeptical of the validity of everything you feel, I am not afraid. I do trust you when you say that you'll always be here and I think that's where most of my comfort resides in. No matter what happens, you'll be here, in whatever form I need. & I wouldn't even have to tell you how to be. You would just know. We're both the same like that, aren't we? We both just know. I love that.

It does make me worry when you put up the wall. I know you feel like you have to and I respect that. But I truly despise it. The wall makes me insecure.

You are not consistent. Your emotions, nor your words. & that is what scares me.

I shouldn't be making any decisions based on you. But I am. I try to stay level-headed and focused. In this aspect, I try to be selfish.

You know I'm not selfish though. That's why I'm still where I am. I'm much too concerned with everyone else's emotions to base any decision on myself. But maybe that needs to change.

That will change.

I only hope that you'll still be there in the end. I can't ask you and I won't, but I truly hope you'll realize.

june

There's not much point to this post. I suppose I'm in the mood to write...or type.
My mind is really cram-packed with thoughts, hopes, notions, prayers, expectations, predictions, dread, regret, and anxiety. I guess I'm mostly worried about what I really want with the rest of my life, or even just the next year... It's hard to know where you want to be when there not really anyone there to guide you. I'm left to make my own choices; to be responsible and independent. It's up to me to take care of myself. That in itself is terrifying.
Most of my life I've wished to grow up. I felt as though I was trapped, forced to spend time with people who never quite understood me simply because I felt they weren't on the same level of maturity as I was. I dreamt of the day that I moved away to college. To meet new people, have the ability to choose your own classes and schedule, live with the absence of nagging parents and obnoxious siblings. It seemed so perfect...when I was younger.
Now the idea scares me. I'm leaving in short of 3 months and I must admit that I don't feel prepared, mentally, financially, physically, emotionally, in the least bit. I'm being thrown into the real world with only a glimpse of a safety net. It's all on me now to figure out my life.

What if I fail...?

I'm the first of my siblings to go to college, to go through the application process, to anxiously await the admission letters, to decide my major and apply for classes. I'm the first. What if I fail?

On top of all the typical college stress, I have a relationship to...what? End? Continue? Put on hiatus? How am I supposed to know what to do?
I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. The loss of companionship, comfort, love? There will always be love, I can always find some sort of comfort and companionship. So what is it?

The safety net. Or a strand in it. That safety net has been slowly deteriorating as my departure date draws near. I'm trying to keep it in sight by hanging on to any type of relationship that could possibly withstand my move. Of course, there are no guarantees, but hope never hurt anyone. Although, someone once told me that hope was the first step on the path to disappointment.

But there is hope. I will always have hope. What I hope for will be inconsistent, but I will always have hope.

I suppose I should focus on the fact that no matter how hard I fail, if I do, there will always be someone there to pick me back up and dust me off. A lot of incredible people are waiting for me in Oregon. A lot of potential lies there. I should be concentrating on the possibilities.

I should.
& I do try.

But right now, I've got a dog whimpering and barking in my ear...so this is the end. For now.

june 17th

It's cold.
Your fingertips,
the ones that slide
and fall
like feathers,
brush my wrist,
my neck.
The protruding bone slows you down
but doesn't stop you.
It wouldn't stop you.
It never could.
"It's forever," you say.
"I promise," I confirm
with a heavy heart.
It's become weaker lately.
Too much strain on such a fragile thing.
The strings were pulled too far,
too tight.
They twisted, never snapped, just stretched.
Despite the discomfort, the awkwardness,
the impending end,
he holds on tight.
Much too tight to be comfortable.
It's harder to breathe, to move, to grow,
to think.
I can't think.
Let me breathe.
Face clenched tight,
I don't want to see it.
I don't want to see the sadness.
The insecurity.
The accusations.
Those sad eyes.
I shut it out. All of it.
I search for the new face.
That smile.
I strain to remember...
It was dark. I found you in the shadows.
The torch light hit your face,
distorting it in the most beautiful way.
Your eyes,
more prominent than in the daylight,
stared straight into me.
You saw everything in that second.
The secrets, the desire, the confusion,
the pain, the frustration, the anticipation,
the love.
Most of all the love.
That's why you stayed.
The threat pulled you away.
Fight it as you might, you had to go.
That final good bye, composed of burning curiosity
and undeniable magnetism.

"I don't want to wait..."
"The time will fly..."
"The potential..."
Months, weeks, days, hours, minutes.
I'll count the seconds instead.

The selfishness will be the end of me.
Burning through my veins.
Stop it.
Choose. Decide. Don't wait.
Now, now, now. Hurry up.
There's no time.
It's not fair.
But it's my time.
My strings.

"The potential..."
The potential to happily sink.
To find warmth and strength in a dark abyss.
To be at peace with the fall.

The potential to lose.
That terrible potential to lose.
The final result,
It's no longer just potential...

Salt, all I taste is salt.
The pit grows larger, greater.
Soon, it'll consume my heart.
I need this now. Not later.
I need this now but timing is not my friend.
Selfishness is the only familiar face,
strategically placing rocks to hold me in place,
despite what my mind says,
my heart is weighed down.
Too heavy to fly away.
Too fragile to fight it.

I cannot deny the potential.
I will never desire to.
The wait is deathly to my mind.
I feel the ghost of it creeping into your heart.
Pulling you further away.
Please don't go. Please stay.
I shudder in silence as Selfishness adds more rocks.
I imagined it...I never asked you.
I could never ask you.
Selfishness will not find you.
I won't let it.
I must let your heart fly free,
no rocks, no strings.
The rocks rip at the lining of the cavity that is my heart,
the jagged edges cut my wounds raw.
I'll have to wait to be healed.
For your heart to fly in and rescue mine.
I'll wait.
I can't make you.

I let your fingers fall.
The soft feathers are gone forever
Along with your sad eyes, but the memories burn like a blue flame.
Hot and cold.
You release your strings.
My heart seizes with the unfamiliar release.
It's harder to breathe now,
but easier all the same.
I open my eyes. The tension is gone.
...and so are you.

july

As of now, everything seems to be teetering on that slippery edge. Nothing seems to be stable in my life anymore. Everything has become ridiculously fragile. I don't like that. I don't like things to be fragile. & I especially do not like when I am fragile.

I'm worried about my health. Terribly worried. I would talk to my mom, but she'd just brush it off like everything else. Cole doesn't understand & it's inappropriate to burden him with imagined illnesses.

I don't know what breast cancer is supposed to feel like. I only know what I've read. & from what I've read, I have the same symptoms. Tough part is that these same symptoms could also be for something much less dramatic. A simple hormonal imbalance. I'm hoping it's just that, an imbalance. But sometimes, I'm not so sure. It scares me to think that I am at such a high risk of being diagnosed with cancer. Those cells run in my veins, in my bone marrow. It's really frightening.

But I'm sure all this discomfort will turn out to be nothing. & I'll just be overreacting...

I'm ready to leave for Oregon. I am. I can feel that it's my time. I'm ready to be an adult. I do not, however, think I'm ready to leave Cole. Something happened this past month. Maybe it was those few nights we got to sleep in the same bed. Whatever it was, I've found myself clinging to him, tighter & tighter. He's become the most stable aspect of my life & I'm not sure how my mental state will be able to handle the coming separation. I'll just have to keep myself busy & distracted...for four years...?

Sometimes I do wish I could see how things will end. That way I'll have time to prepare and possibly change the outcome if I'm not happy with it.

I'm too tired now.