i don't think i have ever been this uncomfortable in my own skin.
i'm constantly trying to hide myself now.
i hate this.

today

just fucking sucked.

looking back on posts from last year on this blog and on tumblr, i hardly recognize that person anymore.
i had to go through and delete my old booths on dailybooth because it made me sick to look at that person.
i'm too different now. but not in a bad way. at least i don't think so.
i'm hardened, that's for sure. but i don't see that as a negative quality. i'd like to think i'm smarter now; that i've lost a good chuck of my naivety. the world is mean. people are heartless and rarely want what's best for you. i spent too much time letting my guard down and allowing people to take advantage of me. i don't want to be that weak anymore.
i still love whole-heartedly, even if i don't show it in the same ways. i ache for people to find happiness within their lives and i try to make things as easy as possible. i try to stay out of the way. granted, i fail frequently and end up in the center balancing various ends of the spectrum, but i'm okay with that. for now.
actually, i think i'll be okay with that forever. i'm really happy with where i am lately. i love that i'm finally over him and that i can go most days of the week without thinking about him. it's so freeing.
[so i can't blame you for your blog because if it brought you any of the same release that i'm feeling, it was incredibly overdue.]
i miss things in the past, but i've accepted that change is what life is about. nothing is ever stationery. everything is constantly changing and moving and evolving. and that is okay.


it is okay.

be wise.

until the water is clear, i think it's safe to keep your distance.

i'm never happy with my posts anymore.
i write out really long paragraphs about things, but end up deleting them.

september 14, 2010

i wrote out this really long post about the way my head works sometimes.
i deleted it.

i didn't feel like revealing that much.

september 12, 2010

i don't feel like saying much.
mom left this morning. and we cried, like always.
we were up early and i could have gone back to sleep, but that didn't happen.

work was easy today. and the vmas are making me smile.

i have pie. i'll probably eat some and then pass out on the couch.


i'd love to have someone to cuddle with.

september 11, 2010

i'm tired. this won't take long.

i'm back on a semi normal sleeping pattern, but my mind is so mentally exhausted that chances are i'll end up sleeping in past noon the next chance i get.

today was simple. out for breakfast, saturday market, another fabric store run, then cleaning/organizing the apartment. made a tasty dinner and watched lots of movies.

our old cat molly died today too. she was about the same age as me. 19/20. she was my grandma's cat and when she passed we took her in. my mom was pretty attached to molly so she's not taking the news very well. it's a cat, but i think it holds a bit more meaning to my mom.

she leaves tomorrow morning. we'll probably cry, like always. but i'll see her in about a month (hopefully) so i hope i'm not too sad.

goodnight

september 10, 2010

these posts are becoming more and more like daily outlines. which is fine with me since i prefer typing over writing in a journal. even though writing is more therapeutic to me...


today was good. i got to bed much earlier than usual last night so i was up by 9:30 today. i went for a run, then mom and i went to grab some lunch of pf changs.
then we went to the fabric store to pick out a color for the slip cover she's making for the loveseat in my apartment.
then we went to my work and i helped her pick out some new sunglasses. i got a new pair of jeans and some makeup.
a quick run to the grocery store and we were back at my apartment where i made her a tasty dinner.

i love that she brought me a bottle of wine, that we finished that one off last night, and that we are onto our second now.

i love my mother. really truly. i'm glad she's here. and i know i'm going to be sad when she leaves.



okay. sorry this is so boring. but i guess i'm not that sorry since these posts are more for myself than for anyone else.

<3

september 9, 2010

it was a challenge to get out of bed this morning. especially after only getting about 4 hours of sleep. i don't know what it was about last night, but i could not fall asleep for the life of me.

work was uneventful.

i baked scones.

momma got here.
we unloaded the car, then celebrated with some wine.
we finally got out to eat some real food. we got a table by the water and ended up having very personal talks about life and decisions and heartbreak.

considering how much i got out in the open, i feel like my head is more jumbled than before.


i'm trying to reach out. i'm just really terrible at these things.

september 8, 2010

this is my september 7th post.


i woke up. got stressed about adult stuff. went to work for 7 hours. came home and cleaned.



my mom will be here tomorrow. thank god. she will relevel my head and my emotions.





i feel bad. i'm sorry. i hope you give me the chance to explain what happened. because i think my explanation makes more sense than your assumptions.

i feel like crap

mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

and i have to go to work. for 7 hours.


hopefully i can go the whole day without eating. that would be nice.





when did i get so crazy? i'm such a freaking mess. haha.

september 7, 2010

i'm not in much of a writing mood, so this should be fairly short. or maybe i'll just get carried away with rambling and it'll be close to novel proportions. who knows?
anyways, it's starting to rain in oregon again. it's too early for rain. we hardly had summer weather. i'm not happy. i'm much too effected by weather change. rain is bad for my mental state. and i would imagine that it would even more detrimental at this point in my life. we'll see, i suppose.
but if i do stop writing for an extended period of time, you might be wise to call the authorities.

no, i'm not serious. i'm not that rash.
but i am dramatic. but i'm sure you have figured that out by now.

i've been sleeping on an air mattress for about two weeks now. i don't have a bed. i didn't need one my first year of college and i never got around to buying one this summer. so i am sleeping on a queen sized air mattress courtesy of Target. it's not too bad. but i am going to need a real bed fairly soon, i think.

i wonder how effective it is to have sex on an air mattress? i would imagine it wouldn't be all that great. i guess it's one of those things you have to try out before you can pass judgement.

i want to bake lots of things. like cookies and scones and cakes and quickbreads. but i'd eat them all. and we don't need that.

my mom is coming to visit me on thursday. i'm excited. i need someone to vent to. i love that my mom and i have become so close. i'd even venture to say that we're best friends in a way, although she always said she would never be my best friend. but she is. i love her. and i'm proud of her. but i'm worry about her.


my brain is dead. it's time for a snack and then sleep.

September 6, 2010

i honestly couldn't tell you where my head is these days. or my heart for that matter. i've just been a walking mess of numb for the past couple of months. and the weirdest part of all is that i'm so comfortable with it.
granted, i had the one breakdown a few weeks ago, but after that i've just been floating in this strange limbo.
i guess i'm not entirely numb. i feel things. i feel lots of things. i feel too many things.
but i'm choosing to ignore them. to push them aside. i MAKE them numb.
so i guess that's why it's a limbo.
i don't trust anyone now. i've disconnected myself from a lot of people for the sake of not hurting. because whether you want it to or not, everyone will hurt you at some point. it's just human nature.
i know my stability..and i know that i'm not strong enough to handle hurt after hurt. that's why i'm so cold now. i've just closed off my heart.
i think it's funny actually. a year ago i could have never imagined i would be this person. i would have laughed. i hate people like this, who don't let anyone in. who are too afraid to let love in and give love away. and now. now, i am one of those people. but it's funny to me. it's almost hilarious.

i only wish he'd read this. i only wish he'd see into my mind and the way i think these days. i'd love for him to be concerned about me, to care just an ounce for how i'm doing. but he doesn't. and he won't. he's become cold too, just like me. except he finds comfort in jumping from relationship to meaningless relationship, while i sit here all alone.

god, this is all so funny to me. how did we even get here in the first place? weren't we better than this? we were supposed to be infinite. we were supposed to be smarter and stronger. we were never meant to be apart from each other. but maybe we were never been to be at all. we've known that our timing was off. we always said "if we'd only met 5 or 6 years from now." yeah, well at this rate, i won't want you in 5 or 6 years. i'm changing. and so are you. but are we changing because of each other? i'm not sure. i don't really want to know the answer to that.

i'm fairly sure that i've lost you forever by now. i don't know how i feel about that yet. like i said, i'm numb. i'm choosing not to feel anything.

today marks one year since i packed up my life and left you. that was the most heartbreaking moment i've ever had to deal with. i couldn't even look at you as i drove away. you were so broken and it showed. i couldn't handle it. because i was broken too. you couldn't even drive home. if i had known that things would be the way they are now i wouldn't have ever left you. i would have figured out a way to stay. i would have sacrificed so much for you.
but you are too good. you wouldn't have let me. you would have made me leave, because that was what i needed to do. even though you didn't want to, you understood that. as painful as it was for you, you knew you had to let me go.
and so i did. i left, but only physically. you have been gone for some time now.

i'm so tired of writing about you. get out of my head. getoutgetoutgetout.

The Sea Song

This was an assignment for Comparative Lit. 360: Gender and Identity in Literature.
We focused on epic novels and for our final project we were to compose our own version of an epic based off of what we learned during the term. I rushed to put mine together and it shows, but I figured I might as well post it. <3
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They tell me I was born with black hair. Jet-black hair and yellow skin. I spent my first weeks as a human wrapped in a glowing blanket until the yellow in my eyes faded away. The jet-black hair was disconcerting to mother and father. And I was quiet. I rarely cried. They worried.
After several weeks of hushed concerns and forced smiles, I finally cried. But it was not a blaring cry like most other babies. It was a croon; much more like a song than anything else. Mother and father swooned at the sound and ease returned to their faces. They encouraged me to sing again and again and they held each other close and danced to the song I sang, leaving all their worries and cares behind, seemingly in another dimension of time and space.
As I rounded the age of 7 months, my black locks transformed into white blond tufts of hair. My brown eyes popped and shone with the contrast and mother and father stared in awe and amazement, but with great appreciation for the change.
Years passed by and as my age matured, so did my voice. But I never sang in public. I was much too shy. My white-blonde hair made me stick out enough. I was the target for incessant teasing all through my years in school. My hair made me different. I didn’t want to be different, so I stayed quiet.
Almost fifteen years had passed since my birth when my world was altered. It was time for my family to leave. My father had been called to a place I was only vaguely familiar with because of the stories my parents told me. They said it was a heavily populated place with lots of sun and heat, where the people enjoyed things that shone and sparkled. They warned me not to expect everyone to be as nice as the friends I’d grown up with, but to not be afraid. They were rougher around the edges, but had kind and understanding hearts.
The one thing mother and father spoke most highly of was the Sea.
“Nothing but good comes from the Sea,” they had said. “Everyone finds a little piece of themselves there. It is where people believe they can receive guidance and strength. You will like the Sea.”
And so we left our home to make a new one. We spent three weeks exploring the country and the history that remained in tiny portions of it. We braved unexpected downpours, cold in the unlikeliest of places, heat that made the desert seem mild, and bugs and insects of all sizes and shapes. But even through all of our struggles to replant our lives in a foreign place, this was not to be the most difficult challenge I would face.
I was relieved to find that when we reached our destination, I did not feel out of place or terrified. There was something here that told me that this is where I was meant to be. Something about it felt right. Mother and father seemed more at ease as well.
My schooling was due to start soon after I’d arrived and I put on as brave a face as I could manage and attempted to push aside my hesitation. Over two thousand girls and boys wandered from classroom to classroom on the other side of the gate as I stood holding my breath before entering. In my nervousness I began humming a tune to relax. People bustled past me on both sides, rushing to beat the bell that would declare them tardy, but once I started humming everything and everyone slowed down. A sort of balance was restored in me and I pushed my shoulders back and kept my chin up as I made my way across the campus to my lessons.
The first part of the day passed smoothly. I had been worried that my near white hair would set me apart from the rest of the students and I would once again fall prey to jokes and teasing, but my hair encouraged others to talk to me. It played as a conversation starter and it received praise instead of taunts. For the first time in my life I finally felt like I belonged. I was happy that this new place would be my home.
During recess, I’d joined a girl I’d met in my English lesson named Alex. She introduced me to the girls that sat down on the warm grass next to us as Erin and Brittany. They asked me about the home I’d moved away from and they told me about the other students at the school. I allowed my eyes to view the crowd that surrounded us. Groups huddled close, laughing and conversing together carelessly. My scanning stopped with a jump as I made contact with a pair of cold grey eyes. There was some burning frustration behind these eyes and as I surveyed the person they belonged to, the body language revealed the same message.
“Who is that?” I questioned the group of girls.
“That’s Brayden,” Erin replied. “He’s the top singer in the region, possibly the whole Southern part of the state. He’s really into himself and he doesn’t like competition. No one really likes him, but no one is brave enough to stand up to him.”
I cringed as his cold eyes finally left mine. I wasn’t his competition, so why had he pinned me as an enemy with that glare?
I tried my best to brush it off as Brittany and I made our way towards the music hall. She waved goodbye as she hurried off to her dance lesson and I entered the choir classroom. I was one of the first to arrive and I took a seat next to a curly haired brunette towards the front of the row. She introduced herself as Gabi and we made small talk as the rest of the students trickled in. Just as the class was getting settled, the door flung open. All the chatter ceased and Brayden waltzed in. He made his way across the floor and took the seat at the very front of the room that everyone appeared to have been saving for him. His eyes met mine with one last threatening glare before he swung his body around to face the front.
Our instructor presented himself and along with his expectations of us for the class. After a brief group warm-up, he announced that the lead soloist for the year would be chosen the following day during class. We were each to prepare a piece that we would sing on the front stage. My stomach sank. I had never sung in front of anyone besides my parents. I was certain I wouldn’t be able to brave an entire audience of people I hardly knew.
My mind was spinning as I gathered my things to leave as class ended, but I wasn’t free to go that easily. As I reached down to pick up my bag, a set of tan lace-up sneakers stopped in front of me. I glanced up and it was Brayden.
“So,” he said with a smirk on his face, “You think you can sing? Doubtful. You’re a girl. There’s no chance you’ll get the solo part this year. That title has been mine for the past 3 years and that won’t change. You might as well run on back to wherever you came from and save yourself the humiliation tomorrow.”
I stood up as tall as I could, threw my bag on my shoulder as I gave one last piercing glower and walked out of the classroom. When I knew I was finally out of sight from the stares of the students who’d witnessed the confrontation, I let my shoulders droop, but my heart continued to race at an abnormal rate. What if Brayden was right? What if I humiliated myself tomorrow in the competition? I felt flustered and afraid. Then I remembered what my parents had said about the Sea and I set off to see if it would help me to find some guidance.
The second my bare feet touched the warm grains of sand I knew coming to the Sea had been a good idea. I felt my entire body relax as well as my mind and soul. I sauntered to where the water reached the dry sand and let the small waves lick at my knees. I closed my eyes and inhaled the salty air. I hummed quietly to myself as the sun beat down on my face and neck.
“I need the courage to sing tomorrow,” I thought to the Sea. “I need to not fear myself or Brayden.”
“You have all the strength within you,” the Sea replied. “All you have to do is sing and you will find all the courage you need.”
I waded deeper into the cool water and submerged my head with my eyes closed. The song I’d been humming became louder the instant I went under and all of my worries drifted away with the waves that crashed above me.
When I finally resurfaced, my clothes were drenched and my hair was dripping with salt water, but I felt cleansed. I had found my balance.

The next day I walked into the choir room with a brand new confidence. Gabi smiled broadly at me and I sat down next to her as we waited for the competition to begin. Today the classroom was not only filled with members of the choir, but other students who had heard of the battle had wandered in. I found the familiar faces of Erin, Brittany, and Alex among the crowd and they smiled and waved enthusiastically at me. My stomach lurched a bit, but I reminded myself to keep humming.
Singer after singer performed in front of the crowded room, each one seemingly nervous. Most did well which made my nerves shake a bit, but I maintained my composure even as Brayden took stage. His song started out slow and gradually built up. His lilts and vibrato were perfect and his pitch never faltered. He took a low exaggerated bow as he finished his piece and sent me a final hostile glance as he made his way back to his chair in the front. It was my turn now.
I’d hardly remembered making my way to the front stage. It was as if I’d glided there and taken my place behind the microphone. I surveyed the audience. All their eyes were wide with anticipation. I felt a sense of doubt coming from their watch, but I had a job to fulfill and despite my immense fear of failure, I’d committed to accomplishing it. I felt the piercing stare of Brayden in front of me, but I merely closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, imagining the Sea outstretched before me. I hummed a bit and all the extra noise faded away.
And I sang. I sang strong and deep and slow, with a confidence that I’d never felt before. With my eyes closed in concentration, pictures of waves passed before my eyelids. Each lift and twirl of my voice was mimicked in the images displayed before my mind. Even though I was far from it, I felt the Sea’s presence within me. It kept my soul in balance. As I reached the highest note in the closing of my song, I inhaled as my eyes opened to see the smiling faces of the people surrounding me. A roar of applause and cheers filled the room as my hands rested at my sides. No one needed to announce it, but I’d won. I had won the solo part for the year and there was no doubt in anyone’s mind.
I glanced meekly at Brayden expecting a ferocious scowl, but his face was lit up in awe and he had abandoned his seat in the front to stand and loudly applaud with the rest of the audience. I smiled a cautious smile at him and he smiled back as I took my own low exaggerated bow.

expressions i can't express

i hide behind a veil.
a heavy black veil of indestructible material.
nothing is let in. nothing goes out.
i just stay in the dark and bide my time.
distract and trick my mind.
but then it gets cold.
the heavy lump in my chest beats faintly now.
you rush through my mind and it flutters.
it's tiny wings are stiff from a long slumber in the numbing cold.
they'd easily break, but there's no overexertion. i've trained them well.
they've learned to not get excited about anything now.
everything goes. everyone leaves. it all ends just as quickly as it begins.
i'd like to peek out to see the sun. just once.
but the fear is too great. the risk too high.
i'd lost focus and call out to you. and you'd deny me.
all my requests and pleas. you'd ignore them.
you'd leave me in the cold. blind. to find my own way.
it will be the wrong way. the wrong turn.
just like before.
and all the times before that.
the only consistency in the journey is that you are at the end.
or, moreover, i make you the ending.
as much as you wish you could, you can't deny me forever.
you make a brief appearance, but you're gone soon. back to the sun.
and i'm still left to wander.

but it hurts so much. to have to much to say and to not be able to say it.
i find distractions some way or another. but they don't last long.
and when they end, the pain is worse than before.
and i want to reach out to you. but i don't want to ruin your happiness.

and i like wallowing in self-pity. i like building it up so that when you do finally come back, i'll make you feel guilty for abandoning me. i resent the fact that you're never here. but i am irrevocably in love with you.
and that is something i cannot change.

i miss you, friend.

the depth by which you loved me was too great for my mind and my heart and my soul.

it was a reversal of affairs.

all that time i would have killed for you to look at me and smile. watching you from the corner of my eye in class and getting nervous when we'd run into each other in the hall. i didn't try hard to earn you because i thought i never could.
but when i left, i felt our bond tighten so much more than i could have ever imagined.
but you were too attached. and i didn't know why.
i wanted our friendship. i wanted our comfort and our security in each other's sentiments. when the we thought the world was against us, we always had each other to confide in. that's what i thought we were to each other.
something happened and you hurt yourself and i think it was because of me. a combination of your depression and frustration and pain...along with me being away. with me creating a separation. a rift in our friendship.
i never meant for that to happen.

maybe i got scared. i didn't want you to feel anything for me. i didn't want you to depend on me because i'm undependable. i'm a dispensable friend. i always have been. i was afraid of how much you needed me.
but i loved it at the same time. because i was finally getting what i'd always wanted from you.

i just got scared. scared to see you, to spend time alone with you, to have any sort of conversation with you that involved feelings and love. i was afraid of what you'd tell me. that i'd get trapped in my own tangled mess of words. just words and words upon more words.

and now you're gone. and i can't be mad at you. i can't be mad at myself.
you're just gone.

but i hope that one day you'll come back. that you'll pull yourself out of this rut and realize that our souls are much too connected to be apart.

i want our friendship.

April 15

I'm quickly losing my motivation to do anything. I'm struggling to grasp onto anything that I'm passionate about. The easiest thing for me to hang on to is people, but everyone keeps slipping through my fingers.
Mad crushing on boys who live 500 miles away is never a good idea. I know this will end badly. I'm trying to prepare and brace myself for it, but I know there's no possible way I'll be able to. Just like how I knew what kind of guy Cam was and it still surprised me when he let me down. I should know better. Shame on me...
I want desperately to feel accomplished in something. I miss being constantly surrounded by people who motivate me and drive me. I feel like college makes people lazy and stupid. There are too many outer influences and it is much easier for someone to lose their focus. I didn't intend on losing mine, but I've noticed that everyone I'm surrounded by has lost theirs. That's making an impact on me and it makes me nervous.
The party-scene is not for me. I know that now. It's not exciting to me anymore. This realization is much more comforting to me than I would have thought.
The thought of transferring sits heavily on my shoulders, even more so now that I've had so many conversations with people about how Oregon has lost it's shine. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who is losing interest.
I'm becoming even more concerned with my relationships with my family. I feel myself becoming more and more disconnect from them, yet there are days where I painfully miss being around them. The potentiality of my family breaking apart entirely is a great factor in why I'm building up walls. No one is to blame for that except for me though. But I couldn't stop it if I tried.

I need to find motivation again.

penny stocks

I haven't written anything in so long I was nervous to sit down and attempt to write anything for fear that I had forgotten how to even write. I guess we'll see how this turns out. Not like I have many critics seeings as how no one reads this. And the only people, or I guess person, who used to is long gone by now.

I've been self-contained for about four months now. I have guarded my heart and my head and done my best to ward off others. I've developed this innate fear of growing close to people. But now I'm starting to realize that I'm afraid of forming any sort of attachment to anything, even places. I think my relationship outlook was significantly altered when my family picked up and moved across the country. That transition showed me how easy it is to just leave and be forgotten. I've gotten pretty good at leaving. The forgetting part is where things get tricky.
You see, one of my deepest fears is to be forgotten. To live a life and make no influence or impact on anyone. If I were to find out that I had in fact been forgotten by an old friend, I'd be disappointed, heart-broken even. I'd question myself and my faults and analyze what I could have done (or failed at doing) to have been forgotten.
And I'm not one to forget easily. My memory of exact words and events may be a little off, but I have not forgotten anyone who has been remotely close to me. I plan to keep things that way.
That is why forgetting isn't so simple.

This is incomplete. And chances are, it'll stay that way.
I'm tired of having something to say and being ignored.

done.

I'm not even sure I know what I'm doing anymore. Every day I get more and more frustrated. With myself, with friends, with where I am, with what I'm doing...What do I do? How do I change that?

I wish I could listen to one song that didn't remind me of you.
I wish I didn't care about any of this anymore...

i'm not looking for sympathy.
i'm not hoping for empathy.
i'm not really interested in any of the "-pathies".

i'm closed off for a reason. i have the walls because i want them there.
i'm happy being cut off from emotion.
well, i guess it's not fair to say i'm completely cut off from emotion...since i cry & get mad & all that jazz...
what i mean is that i'm happy with the fact that i'm not emotionally attached to anyone. that's liberating. that feels incredible to me. i have never in my life had so much emotional freedom.
of course, it's not me. it's not my personality to not really give a shit about anyone else.

i'm putting all my eggs into one basket. sorry for the cliche...but how else do i explain it?
all of my effort and all of my emotions, they're for him.

sestina

The strings tremble while the song
comes soaring out of his guitar.
A crease forms between his eyes
as he watches his dancing hands.
The breeze comes and lifts his curls
and I shiver in his worn sweater.

The fraying edges of his sweater
sway with the wind's silent song.
The dry leaves fly in curls,
up and over the old guitar.
The chilled air forces my hands
into my pockets, below the button eyes.

I slowly close my eyes
and wrap them in the sweater
while his ever-working hands
continue playing the familiar song.
"He's always comfortable with his guitar,"
I grin, silently. His sepia curls

happily tangle with the curls
of the leaves. His chocolate eyes
nervously glance at me. His guitar
holds his attention, but the sweater
I'm wearing makes him pause the beautiful song.
I gaze up as the clouds form hands

around the sun. I feel his cool hands
on my face and I'm drowning in warm curls.
Suddenly, there is no sweet song
but I close my satisfied eyes.
"I'm comfortable", sings the sweater
to the happily resting guitar.

There's still a melody without the guitar.
My anxious fingers find his dancing hands
and pull them towards the sweater.
He gracefully pushes back the curls
to expose the happy chocolate eyes
and my heart continues its song.

His dancing hands still hold the worn sweater,
the sepia curls still bounce happily above the guitar,
and our comfortably locked eyes will forever sing our song.

Sept. 27, 2009

it has just rained.
automobile oil and grease make the puddles on the pavement shimmer rainbow colors. she inhales deeply before she slams the apartment door behind her and rushes down the glossy cement stairs. her numb fingers travel up her fleece coat. she struggles to fasten the buttons. her body hasn't adjusted to the cold. it takes longer to get dressed these days.
cold loneliness pushing its way out. frigid cold weather trying to get inside. a thin layer of warm summer battles both opposing forces, and even when the fight seems futile, it holds strong to the bone and muscle of her newly fragile frame.
headphones resting in each ear, she walks down the sidewalk, unintentionally stepping to the beat of the death cab songs flowing through her. she has their playlist on repeat. that's the way it's been lately.
she smiles at a young couple walking arm in arm, huddled close to stay warm. a knot forms in her chest, a similar one in her abdomen. the numbness has spread to her shoulders and lower back and as she reaches the crosswalk, it engulfs her thinning thighs and calves. she strives to maintain the warmth in her middle. she concentrates, focuses on the central heat and mentally tallies the days until she's back to her summer.
the bench never looked so welcoming. she can't feel her body bend and relax as she takes a seat next to a dark woman who rubs her hands together purposefully. she closes her eyes as her exhaling breath mixes with the frosted air and clouds her vision. it only takes a second until he comes to her, distinct and vivid, as though he's standing right in front of her. he's wearing her favorite sweater, the one she borrowed and covertly sewed a heart into the sleeve. she sees him concerned at first, but then he chuckles at her apparent desperation and his deep, warm eyes shine with the faith she always found comfort in. her heart lurches as her desire gets the best of her.
as she opens her eyes to recompose herself and steady her breathing, your song comes on and her body stiffens. the pounding coming from her chest feels like a foreign object, something she shouldn't have on her person. as personal as this song is, she refuses to skip to the next one. it would break some sort of unspoken code she's made for herself.
she picks nervously at the cuticles on her pale fingers and meditates on keeping her composure. her left hand impulsively reaches up and into her thick coat and behind her cotton t-shirt. she bares the golden cassette tape the size of her pinky that is carefully interlined with tiny rhinestones. she fingers the thin tawny chain and is then disturbed by an abrupt vibration coming from her right hip. she keeps a hold onto the tiny charm and brandishes her cell phone from her coat pocket.
as the screen illuminates, she checks her inbox and a single message is waiting to be read.

it's labeled with your name. your perfect name followed by a simple sentence. "I love you."
she feels a tug on her cheek and she's smiling a sweet subtle smile.

your song still echoes through the tiny earbuds attached to her iPod and the volume hasn't changed, but the song plays perfectly clear and full as though she's listening to it live. the warm ball in her stomach grows roots that spread to her frozen legs and toes. they twist up and through her tired back and arms. she shivers as chills from the temperature change flow over her exposed neck. her skin feels flushed and she welcomes the cool breeze that hits her face. it's not so cold anymore.

she hums along to the repeating chorus of "marching bands of manhattan" with the subtle smile still patched onto her glowing face. she cannot wait to see her summer again.

grasping.

it was july 4th, 2009.

you disappointed your family to be with me. at our “last” fourth of july.

you left the campsite at 5 in the morning to drive 2 hours to our hotel. i was so excited to see you i’d hardly slept the night before. i never told you that…

i was up by 4. showered & dressed by the time you called. i met you at the elevator. it had only been one day since i’d last seen you, but that time felt like weeks for me. i never told you that…

you were tired. i could tell. you were kind of grumpy, but you hid it. you were happy to be with me. i know that you did a lot to come to me. i never told you how much i appreciated that…

the parade, my eccentric family, my extended family that i hardly know, the beach & the towels we forgot to bring, all that food that we still never figured out how we managed to eat…you were there. & i was so happy. everyone could see how happy i was. i happy we were. how perfect we were together. everyone knew. & everyone was jealous. all the comments about how i was leaving, how it wouldn’t last… they all came from jealousy. but they still stung. it was the sting that never faded away.

the fireworks. our shitty viewing spot. my frustrating parents…i was annoyed. & you knew it. but you held me close to your chest. you let me lean on you during the show even though your back was killing you. your cheek resting on my head, your arms around me. the fireworks ended too soon…

you were supposed to sleep on the roll-away bed. on the opposite side of the room. but my brothers fell asleep. & you never wanted to move. i never wanted you to move. we were safe in those white sheets, under the down comforter. i fell asleep in your arms. i knew you were watching me, listening to me breathe. it was easy to relax with you there. so easy. just like everything else with you.

you fell asleep too. at some point i don’t remember.

i hate a nightmare. of all nights, i had a nightmare in your arms. when i knew i could never be any more safe.

i woke up crying. & you woke up too. you just knew something wasn’t right. & you just held me.

“what’s wrong? sarabeth…what’s wrong”

i shook my head & spilt more tears onto your t-shirt.

“hey…it’s okay…it’s okay…shhh…”

i clutched onto your arms & tugged at your sleeves. the tears wouldn’t stop. the knot in my throat wouldn’t go away. i was ruining this perfect night. knowing that made it worse…

“i don’t want to leave you. i don’t want to go…”

your breathing stopped. it staggered. i could hear the low, deep thump from your chest.

“i don’t want you to leave either. but it’s okay… we’ll be fine. i love you. we are in love. do you know how rare that is? do you realize what we have? we’re going to be okay. we have to be…”

neither of us truly believed we would be okay. but you were doing your job. you were taking care of me, like you always said you would. like you’d always promised to do.

you held onto the back of my head and kissed my forehead. once, twice… the third time was drawn out. you inhaled. you exhaled.

i lifted my chin up to meet your beautiful brown eyes. i touched your nose with mine.

your fingers brushed back my hair and rested behind my ear.

and you kissed me. timidly. fearful. anticipating what we both feared, even though it wouldn’t come for another 3 months.

and i kissed you back. i was embarrassed by the salt taste in my mouth. i knew you could taste it too. but you didn’t let go of me. you never let me go. and i never wanted you to…

and even now, after our fears became reality, you still haven’t let go. and i haven’t either. i don’t think i ever will. i don’t think i ever could. i don’t want to. i don’t want you to either.

i’ll hold on to you forever, grasping onto your t-shirt…