the depth by which you loved me was too great for my mind and my heart and my soul.
it was a reversal of affairs.
all that time i would have killed for you to look at me and smile. watching you from the corner of my eye in class and getting nervous when we'd run into each other in the hall. i didn't try hard to earn you because i thought i never could.
but when i left, i felt our bond tighten so much more than i could have ever imagined.
but you were too attached. and i didn't know why.
i wanted our friendship. i wanted our comfort and our security in each other's sentiments. when the we thought the world was against us, we always had each other to confide in. that's what i thought we were to each other.
something happened and you hurt yourself and i think it was because of me. a combination of your depression and frustration and pain...along with me being away. with me creating a separation. a rift in our friendship.
i never meant for that to happen.
maybe i got scared. i didn't want you to feel anything for me. i didn't want you to depend on me because i'm undependable. i'm a dispensable friend. i always have been. i was afraid of how much you needed me.
but i loved it at the same time. because i was finally getting what i'd always wanted from you.
i just got scared. scared to see you, to spend time alone with you, to have any sort of conversation with you that involved feelings and love. i was afraid of what you'd tell me. that i'd get trapped in my own tangled mess of words. just words and words upon more words.
and now you're gone. and i can't be mad at you. i can't be mad at myself.
you're just gone.
but i hope that one day you'll come back. that you'll pull yourself out of this rut and realize that our souls are much too connected to be apart.
i want our friendship.
