loveology

Oh, an incurable humanist you are...

Let's go to the movies,
I will hum you a song about nothing at all...

Let's go to the movies, Let's go to the movies,
Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all.

Oh, an incurable humanist you are...

Let's go to the movies,
I will hum you a song about nothing at all

Let's go to the movies,
I will sing you a song about nothing at all

Let's go to the movies, Let's go to the movies,
Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all.

Sit down class, open up your textbooks to page 42.

Porcupine-ology,

antler-ology,

car-ology,

bus-ology,

train-ology,

plane-ology,

mama-ology,

papa-ology,

you-ology,

me-ology,

love-ology,

kiss-ology,

stay-ology,

please-ology.

Let's study class, let's study class. Sit down.

Love-ology,

love-ology,

I'm sorry-ology,

forgive me-ology,

love-ology,

love-ology,

I'm sorry-ology,

forgive me-ology,

love-ology,

Love-ology.

Let's study class, let's study class.

Love-ology. Let's study class, sit down.

Love-ology,

love-ology,

I'm sorry-ology,

forgive me-ology,

love-ology,

love-ology.

I'm sorry-ology,

forgive me-ology,

love-ology,

Love-ology.

Love-ology...

Oh, an incurable humanist you are..

Oh, forgive me, Oh, forgive me, Oh.

Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me-ology...

emily dickinson

I can never get enough of this poem. Especially the second stanza...

Before I got my eye put out
I liked as well to see —
As other Creatures, that have Eyes
And know no other way —
But were it told to me — Today —
That I might have the sky
For mine — I tell you that my Heart
Would split, for size of me —
The Meadows — mine —
The Mountains — mine —
All Forests — Stintless Stars —
As much of Noon as I could take
Between my finite eyes —
The Motions of the Dipping Birds —
The Morning's Amber Road —
For mine — to look at when I liked —
The News would strike me dead —
So safer — guess — with just my soul
Upon the Window pane —
Where other Creatures put their eyes —
Incautious — of the Sun —

you once said you wished my heart would come visit sometime.

it walks for days through cold rain to come knock on your door.

sometimes you answer, sometimes you don't.

but it still continues to come back.

it misses you & wishes you'd answer more often.

an addict, trapped inside her own addiction of being addicted. it's a never-ending cycle but the trade off is worth it. pain for love. pain for love. if it feels right, then do it. then let's do it. i'm here. where are you? i can't wait forever.

you said the leaves are symbolic.

i'm a leaf. i was green, fresh, new. then i turned orange. a gorgeous shade of orange that should have made you feel warm and safe. i was still safe then. but then i fell. slowly, gracefully, taking my time towards the soft earth...yet, i still fell.

and here i lie. on the damp ground. it's soft here, but i'm just waiting for you to notice my gorgeous shade. to gently lift me up and bring me into your safe home. to preserve me and keep me safe. not because you feel you need to, but because you couldn't stand to live without my perfect shade of orange. you wouldn't want to share my color with anyone else because i didn't change for them. i'm orange for you. it is your gift to keep.

don't leave me to turn brown and dry. i'll be too fragile. my pieces will crack and break and fall. i want to stay orange for you.

I'm finding symbolism in everything. How I talk, & I'm ignored. How I sacrifice, & it's seen as selfishness. How it's cold & rainy all the time now...

It's all symbolic.

I brought it upon myself, I know. Typically, I'd blame it on something. My mood, an illness, the time of the month, the situation, misinterpretation. But I don't have anything to blame it on this time. It's all me. I made the choice. I suffer the consequences.

I don't like hurting. I hate emotional pain much more than anything else. It's the reason why I started cutting, why I've suffered from every eating disorder in the book.

But it's also why I quit. It's why I decided to move away and be independent. To prove to myself that I can make my own life. I can do it all on my own.

I never had a doubt that I could make it all on my own. I never did. There have been setbacks, but I've overcome them. For the most part. My heart has been broken multiple times. Friends I thought would be there for me forever are gone. My family has disappointed me in a lot of ways. The one person I thought would always stand behind me and support me turned into the single person who was holding me back. The future that I was holding onto so tightly, relying on, depending on, praying for, who knows where his head is. I doubt it's with me anymore.

I keep repeating my love for consistency. But that's not it, not really. I just need to feel some compassion. I need something real. I need something solid. Words only mean so much to me. I need to feel it. Prove it to me. Show me. I need that.

I'm done chasing. I'm tired.

I need to focus on my life right now. I need to figure out where I'm going. I want you to be a part of that. I want you to be where I'm going. But I don't need hesitation. I don't need fear. I'm certain of what I want. I know you're not. Be free while you can. But I can't wait.

This blog wasn't supposed to be about you.

paused.

i was waiting for you.

for hours.

in all the wrong places.

did you notice i wasn't there?

i.

am.

down.

down.

down.

fallen.

you have my heart.

don't go.

I was on my way back to my apartment this afternoon when I began to mentally compose this blog. Hungover, exhausted, and frustrated, it was fairly easy to keep a flow going. But now as I sit here in my hunter green Snuggie (yes, I am really wearing a Snuggie) I'm finding it more and more difficult to revert back to that flow.

I suppose it's all relative.

I walked unusually slow today. Yeah, sure, my back is killing me, my leg muscles are tight, my head is throbbing, but I could have picked up the pace just a bit. I didn't. I wanted to think. I was outside in the clean, fresh air, just taking my time. No hurry whatsoever. I tried to take in the natural beauty of Eugene. I've been so clogged up with all this bad, all this negativity. I needed to take some time for myself.

It's also easier to distract your heart and your head when you're outside. I'm able to throw my soul into the trees, or the wind, or the wispy white clouds in the sky. I get to take back my heart, my head, my being and overwhelm nature with it. I needed this walk.

It's all relative...

I've always been much too passionate for my own good. I feel very alone in the way that I attach myself to specific things. I have never known anyone to tie themselves to something the way that I do. When I care, I care with everything in me. It's never just a single piece, it is always much more than necessary or desired. I think that's why I get confused as often as I do. My body is constantly switching gears from one things to another, one person to the next. It takes a toll on me. Not that I care about someone, then the next minute I'm over them. Not at all. There's always a piece of me that stays with everyone I care about. A more significant piece is left with the ones who mean more. My body is constantly readjusting to fit the situation. Or at least, it attempts to.

I think it's all relative.