The Sea Song

This was an assignment for Comparative Lit. 360: Gender and Identity in Literature.
We focused on epic novels and for our final project we were to compose our own version of an epic based off of what we learned during the term. I rushed to put mine together and it shows, but I figured I might as well post it. <3
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They tell me I was born with black hair. Jet-black hair and yellow skin. I spent my first weeks as a human wrapped in a glowing blanket until the yellow in my eyes faded away. The jet-black hair was disconcerting to mother and father. And I was quiet. I rarely cried. They worried.
After several weeks of hushed concerns and forced smiles, I finally cried. But it was not a blaring cry like most other babies. It was a croon; much more like a song than anything else. Mother and father swooned at the sound and ease returned to their faces. They encouraged me to sing again and again and they held each other close and danced to the song I sang, leaving all their worries and cares behind, seemingly in another dimension of time and space.
As I rounded the age of 7 months, my black locks transformed into white blond tufts of hair. My brown eyes popped and shone with the contrast and mother and father stared in awe and amazement, but with great appreciation for the change.
Years passed by and as my age matured, so did my voice. But I never sang in public. I was much too shy. My white-blonde hair made me stick out enough. I was the target for incessant teasing all through my years in school. My hair made me different. I didn’t want to be different, so I stayed quiet.
Almost fifteen years had passed since my birth when my world was altered. It was time for my family to leave. My father had been called to a place I was only vaguely familiar with because of the stories my parents told me. They said it was a heavily populated place with lots of sun and heat, where the people enjoyed things that shone and sparkled. They warned me not to expect everyone to be as nice as the friends I’d grown up with, but to not be afraid. They were rougher around the edges, but had kind and understanding hearts.
The one thing mother and father spoke most highly of was the Sea.
“Nothing but good comes from the Sea,” they had said. “Everyone finds a little piece of themselves there. It is where people believe they can receive guidance and strength. You will like the Sea.”
And so we left our home to make a new one. We spent three weeks exploring the country and the history that remained in tiny portions of it. We braved unexpected downpours, cold in the unlikeliest of places, heat that made the desert seem mild, and bugs and insects of all sizes and shapes. But even through all of our struggles to replant our lives in a foreign place, this was not to be the most difficult challenge I would face.
I was relieved to find that when we reached our destination, I did not feel out of place or terrified. There was something here that told me that this is where I was meant to be. Something about it felt right. Mother and father seemed more at ease as well.
My schooling was due to start soon after I’d arrived and I put on as brave a face as I could manage and attempted to push aside my hesitation. Over two thousand girls and boys wandered from classroom to classroom on the other side of the gate as I stood holding my breath before entering. In my nervousness I began humming a tune to relax. People bustled past me on both sides, rushing to beat the bell that would declare them tardy, but once I started humming everything and everyone slowed down. A sort of balance was restored in me and I pushed my shoulders back and kept my chin up as I made my way across the campus to my lessons.
The first part of the day passed smoothly. I had been worried that my near white hair would set me apart from the rest of the students and I would once again fall prey to jokes and teasing, but my hair encouraged others to talk to me. It played as a conversation starter and it received praise instead of taunts. For the first time in my life I finally felt like I belonged. I was happy that this new place would be my home.
During recess, I’d joined a girl I’d met in my English lesson named Alex. She introduced me to the girls that sat down on the warm grass next to us as Erin and Brittany. They asked me about the home I’d moved away from and they told me about the other students at the school. I allowed my eyes to view the crowd that surrounded us. Groups huddled close, laughing and conversing together carelessly. My scanning stopped with a jump as I made contact with a pair of cold grey eyes. There was some burning frustration behind these eyes and as I surveyed the person they belonged to, the body language revealed the same message.
“Who is that?” I questioned the group of girls.
“That’s Brayden,” Erin replied. “He’s the top singer in the region, possibly the whole Southern part of the state. He’s really into himself and he doesn’t like competition. No one really likes him, but no one is brave enough to stand up to him.”
I cringed as his cold eyes finally left mine. I wasn’t his competition, so why had he pinned me as an enemy with that glare?
I tried my best to brush it off as Brittany and I made our way towards the music hall. She waved goodbye as she hurried off to her dance lesson and I entered the choir classroom. I was one of the first to arrive and I took a seat next to a curly haired brunette towards the front of the row. She introduced herself as Gabi and we made small talk as the rest of the students trickled in. Just as the class was getting settled, the door flung open. All the chatter ceased and Brayden waltzed in. He made his way across the floor and took the seat at the very front of the room that everyone appeared to have been saving for him. His eyes met mine with one last threatening glare before he swung his body around to face the front.
Our instructor presented himself and along with his expectations of us for the class. After a brief group warm-up, he announced that the lead soloist for the year would be chosen the following day during class. We were each to prepare a piece that we would sing on the front stage. My stomach sank. I had never sung in front of anyone besides my parents. I was certain I wouldn’t be able to brave an entire audience of people I hardly knew.
My mind was spinning as I gathered my things to leave as class ended, but I wasn’t free to go that easily. As I reached down to pick up my bag, a set of tan lace-up sneakers stopped in front of me. I glanced up and it was Brayden.
“So,” he said with a smirk on his face, “You think you can sing? Doubtful. You’re a girl. There’s no chance you’ll get the solo part this year. That title has been mine for the past 3 years and that won’t change. You might as well run on back to wherever you came from and save yourself the humiliation tomorrow.”
I stood up as tall as I could, threw my bag on my shoulder as I gave one last piercing glower and walked out of the classroom. When I knew I was finally out of sight from the stares of the students who’d witnessed the confrontation, I let my shoulders droop, but my heart continued to race at an abnormal rate. What if Brayden was right? What if I humiliated myself tomorrow in the competition? I felt flustered and afraid. Then I remembered what my parents had said about the Sea and I set off to see if it would help me to find some guidance.
The second my bare feet touched the warm grains of sand I knew coming to the Sea had been a good idea. I felt my entire body relax as well as my mind and soul. I sauntered to where the water reached the dry sand and let the small waves lick at my knees. I closed my eyes and inhaled the salty air. I hummed quietly to myself as the sun beat down on my face and neck.
“I need the courage to sing tomorrow,” I thought to the Sea. “I need to not fear myself or Brayden.”
“You have all the strength within you,” the Sea replied. “All you have to do is sing and you will find all the courage you need.”
I waded deeper into the cool water and submerged my head with my eyes closed. The song I’d been humming became louder the instant I went under and all of my worries drifted away with the waves that crashed above me.
When I finally resurfaced, my clothes were drenched and my hair was dripping with salt water, but I felt cleansed. I had found my balance.

The next day I walked into the choir room with a brand new confidence. Gabi smiled broadly at me and I sat down next to her as we waited for the competition to begin. Today the classroom was not only filled with members of the choir, but other students who had heard of the battle had wandered in. I found the familiar faces of Erin, Brittany, and Alex among the crowd and they smiled and waved enthusiastically at me. My stomach lurched a bit, but I reminded myself to keep humming.
Singer after singer performed in front of the crowded room, each one seemingly nervous. Most did well which made my nerves shake a bit, but I maintained my composure even as Brayden took stage. His song started out slow and gradually built up. His lilts and vibrato were perfect and his pitch never faltered. He took a low exaggerated bow as he finished his piece and sent me a final hostile glance as he made his way back to his chair in the front. It was my turn now.
I’d hardly remembered making my way to the front stage. It was as if I’d glided there and taken my place behind the microphone. I surveyed the audience. All their eyes were wide with anticipation. I felt a sense of doubt coming from their watch, but I had a job to fulfill and despite my immense fear of failure, I’d committed to accomplishing it. I felt the piercing stare of Brayden in front of me, but I merely closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, imagining the Sea outstretched before me. I hummed a bit and all the extra noise faded away.
And I sang. I sang strong and deep and slow, with a confidence that I’d never felt before. With my eyes closed in concentration, pictures of waves passed before my eyelids. Each lift and twirl of my voice was mimicked in the images displayed before my mind. Even though I was far from it, I felt the Sea’s presence within me. It kept my soul in balance. As I reached the highest note in the closing of my song, I inhaled as my eyes opened to see the smiling faces of the people surrounding me. A roar of applause and cheers filled the room as my hands rested at my sides. No one needed to announce it, but I’d won. I had won the solo part for the year and there was no doubt in anyone’s mind.
I glanced meekly at Brayden expecting a ferocious scowl, but his face was lit up in awe and he had abandoned his seat in the front to stand and loudly applaud with the rest of the audience. I smiled a cautious smile at him and he smiled back as I took my own low exaggerated bow.

expressions i can't express

i hide behind a veil.
a heavy black veil of indestructible material.
nothing is let in. nothing goes out.
i just stay in the dark and bide my time.
distract and trick my mind.
but then it gets cold.
the heavy lump in my chest beats faintly now.
you rush through my mind and it flutters.
it's tiny wings are stiff from a long slumber in the numbing cold.
they'd easily break, but there's no overexertion. i've trained them well.
they've learned to not get excited about anything now.
everything goes. everyone leaves. it all ends just as quickly as it begins.
i'd like to peek out to see the sun. just once.
but the fear is too great. the risk too high.
i'd lost focus and call out to you. and you'd deny me.
all my requests and pleas. you'd ignore them.
you'd leave me in the cold. blind. to find my own way.
it will be the wrong way. the wrong turn.
just like before.
and all the times before that.
the only consistency in the journey is that you are at the end.
or, moreover, i make you the ending.
as much as you wish you could, you can't deny me forever.
you make a brief appearance, but you're gone soon. back to the sun.
and i'm still left to wander.

but it hurts so much. to have to much to say and to not be able to say it.
i find distractions some way or another. but they don't last long.
and when they end, the pain is worse than before.
and i want to reach out to you. but i don't want to ruin your happiness.

and i like wallowing in self-pity. i like building it up so that when you do finally come back, i'll make you feel guilty for abandoning me. i resent the fact that you're never here. but i am irrevocably in love with you.
and that is something i cannot change.