september 14, 2010

i wrote out this really long post about the way my head works sometimes.
i deleted it.

i didn't feel like revealing that much.

september 12, 2010

i don't feel like saying much.
mom left this morning. and we cried, like always.
we were up early and i could have gone back to sleep, but that didn't happen.

work was easy today. and the vmas are making me smile.

i have pie. i'll probably eat some and then pass out on the couch.


i'd love to have someone to cuddle with.

september 11, 2010

i'm tired. this won't take long.

i'm back on a semi normal sleeping pattern, but my mind is so mentally exhausted that chances are i'll end up sleeping in past noon the next chance i get.

today was simple. out for breakfast, saturday market, another fabric store run, then cleaning/organizing the apartment. made a tasty dinner and watched lots of movies.

our old cat molly died today too. she was about the same age as me. 19/20. she was my grandma's cat and when she passed we took her in. my mom was pretty attached to molly so she's not taking the news very well. it's a cat, but i think it holds a bit more meaning to my mom.

she leaves tomorrow morning. we'll probably cry, like always. but i'll see her in about a month (hopefully) so i hope i'm not too sad.

goodnight

september 10, 2010

these posts are becoming more and more like daily outlines. which is fine with me since i prefer typing over writing in a journal. even though writing is more therapeutic to me...


today was good. i got to bed much earlier than usual last night so i was up by 9:30 today. i went for a run, then mom and i went to grab some lunch of pf changs.
then we went to the fabric store to pick out a color for the slip cover she's making for the loveseat in my apartment.
then we went to my work and i helped her pick out some new sunglasses. i got a new pair of jeans and some makeup.
a quick run to the grocery store and we were back at my apartment where i made her a tasty dinner.

i love that she brought me a bottle of wine, that we finished that one off last night, and that we are onto our second now.

i love my mother. really truly. i'm glad she's here. and i know i'm going to be sad when she leaves.



okay. sorry this is so boring. but i guess i'm not that sorry since these posts are more for myself than for anyone else.

<3

september 9, 2010

it was a challenge to get out of bed this morning. especially after only getting about 4 hours of sleep. i don't know what it was about last night, but i could not fall asleep for the life of me.

work was uneventful.

i baked scones.

momma got here.
we unloaded the car, then celebrated with some wine.
we finally got out to eat some real food. we got a table by the water and ended up having very personal talks about life and decisions and heartbreak.

considering how much i got out in the open, i feel like my head is more jumbled than before.


i'm trying to reach out. i'm just really terrible at these things.

september 8, 2010

this is my september 7th post.


i woke up. got stressed about adult stuff. went to work for 7 hours. came home and cleaned.



my mom will be here tomorrow. thank god. she will relevel my head and my emotions.





i feel bad. i'm sorry. i hope you give me the chance to explain what happened. because i think my explanation makes more sense than your assumptions.

i feel like crap

mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

and i have to go to work. for 7 hours.


hopefully i can go the whole day without eating. that would be nice.





when did i get so crazy? i'm such a freaking mess. haha.

september 7, 2010

i'm not in much of a writing mood, so this should be fairly short. or maybe i'll just get carried away with rambling and it'll be close to novel proportions. who knows?
anyways, it's starting to rain in oregon again. it's too early for rain. we hardly had summer weather. i'm not happy. i'm much too effected by weather change. rain is bad for my mental state. and i would imagine that it would even more detrimental at this point in my life. we'll see, i suppose.
but if i do stop writing for an extended period of time, you might be wise to call the authorities.

no, i'm not serious. i'm not that rash.
but i am dramatic. but i'm sure you have figured that out by now.

i've been sleeping on an air mattress for about two weeks now. i don't have a bed. i didn't need one my first year of college and i never got around to buying one this summer. so i am sleeping on a queen sized air mattress courtesy of Target. it's not too bad. but i am going to need a real bed fairly soon, i think.

i wonder how effective it is to have sex on an air mattress? i would imagine it wouldn't be all that great. i guess it's one of those things you have to try out before you can pass judgement.

i want to bake lots of things. like cookies and scones and cakes and quickbreads. but i'd eat them all. and we don't need that.

my mom is coming to visit me on thursday. i'm excited. i need someone to vent to. i love that my mom and i have become so close. i'd even venture to say that we're best friends in a way, although she always said she would never be my best friend. but she is. i love her. and i'm proud of her. but i'm worry about her.


my brain is dead. it's time for a snack and then sleep.

September 6, 2010

i honestly couldn't tell you where my head is these days. or my heart for that matter. i've just been a walking mess of numb for the past couple of months. and the weirdest part of all is that i'm so comfortable with it.
granted, i had the one breakdown a few weeks ago, but after that i've just been floating in this strange limbo.
i guess i'm not entirely numb. i feel things. i feel lots of things. i feel too many things.
but i'm choosing to ignore them. to push them aside. i MAKE them numb.
so i guess that's why it's a limbo.
i don't trust anyone now. i've disconnected myself from a lot of people for the sake of not hurting. because whether you want it to or not, everyone will hurt you at some point. it's just human nature.
i know my stability..and i know that i'm not strong enough to handle hurt after hurt. that's why i'm so cold now. i've just closed off my heart.
i think it's funny actually. a year ago i could have never imagined i would be this person. i would have laughed. i hate people like this, who don't let anyone in. who are too afraid to let love in and give love away. and now. now, i am one of those people. but it's funny to me. it's almost hilarious.

i only wish he'd read this. i only wish he'd see into my mind and the way i think these days. i'd love for him to be concerned about me, to care just an ounce for how i'm doing. but he doesn't. and he won't. he's become cold too, just like me. except he finds comfort in jumping from relationship to meaningless relationship, while i sit here all alone.

god, this is all so funny to me. how did we even get here in the first place? weren't we better than this? we were supposed to be infinite. we were supposed to be smarter and stronger. we were never meant to be apart from each other. but maybe we were never been to be at all. we've known that our timing was off. we always said "if we'd only met 5 or 6 years from now." yeah, well at this rate, i won't want you in 5 or 6 years. i'm changing. and so are you. but are we changing because of each other? i'm not sure. i don't really want to know the answer to that.

i'm fairly sure that i've lost you forever by now. i don't know how i feel about that yet. like i said, i'm numb. i'm choosing not to feel anything.

today marks one year since i packed up my life and left you. that was the most heartbreaking moment i've ever had to deal with. i couldn't even look at you as i drove away. you were so broken and it showed. i couldn't handle it. because i was broken too. you couldn't even drive home. if i had known that things would be the way they are now i wouldn't have ever left you. i would have figured out a way to stay. i would have sacrificed so much for you.
but you are too good. you wouldn't have let me. you would have made me leave, because that was what i needed to do. even though you didn't want to, you understood that. as painful as it was for you, you knew you had to let me go.
and so i did. i left, but only physically. you have been gone for some time now.

i'm so tired of writing about you. get out of my head. getoutgetoutgetout.