i'm not looking for sympathy.
i'm not hoping for empathy.
i'm not really interested in any of the "-pathies".
i'm closed off for a reason. i have the walls because i want them there.
i'm happy being cut off from emotion.
well, i guess it's not fair to say i'm completely cut off from emotion...since i cry & get mad & all that jazz...
what i mean is that i'm happy with the fact that i'm not emotionally attached to anyone. that's liberating. that feels incredible to me. i have never in my life had so much emotional freedom.
of course, it's not me. it's not my personality to not really give a shit about anyone else.
i'm putting all my eggs into one basket. sorry for the cliche...but how else do i explain it?
all of my effort and all of my emotions, they're for him.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
sestina
The strings tremble while the song
comes soaring out of his guitar.
A crease forms between his eyes
as he watches his dancing hands.
The breeze comes and lifts his curls
and I shiver in his worn sweater.
The fraying edges of his sweater
sway with the wind's silent song.
The dry leaves fly in curls,
up and over the old guitar.
The chilled air forces my hands
into my pockets, below the button eyes.
I slowly close my eyes
and wrap them in the sweater
while his ever-working hands
continue playing the familiar song.
"He's always comfortable with his guitar,"
I grin, silently. His sepia curls
happily tangle with the curls
of the leaves. His chocolate eyes
nervously glance at me. His guitar
holds his attention, but the sweater
I'm wearing makes him pause the beautiful song.
I gaze up as the clouds form hands
around the sun. I feel his cool hands
on my face and I'm drowning in warm curls.
Suddenly, there is no sweet song
but I close my satisfied eyes.
"I'm comfortable", sings the sweater
to the happily resting guitar.
There's still a melody without the guitar.
My anxious fingers find his dancing hands
and pull them towards the sweater.
He gracefully pushes back the curls
to expose the happy chocolate eyes
and my heart continues its song.
His dancing hands still hold the worn sweater,
the sepia curls still bounce happily above the guitar,
and our comfortably locked eyes will forever sing our song.
comes soaring out of his guitar.
A crease forms between his eyes
as he watches his dancing hands.
The breeze comes and lifts his curls
and I shiver in his worn sweater.
The fraying edges of his sweater
sway with the wind's silent song.
The dry leaves fly in curls,
up and over the old guitar.
The chilled air forces my hands
into my pockets, below the button eyes.
I slowly close my eyes
and wrap them in the sweater
while his ever-working hands
continue playing the familiar song.
"He's always comfortable with his guitar,"
I grin, silently. His sepia curls
happily tangle with the curls
of the leaves. His chocolate eyes
nervously glance at me. His guitar
holds his attention, but the sweater
I'm wearing makes him pause the beautiful song.
I gaze up as the clouds form hands
around the sun. I feel his cool hands
on my face and I'm drowning in warm curls.
Suddenly, there is no sweet song
but I close my satisfied eyes.
"I'm comfortable", sings the sweater
to the happily resting guitar.
There's still a melody without the guitar.
My anxious fingers find his dancing hands
and pull them towards the sweater.
He gracefully pushes back the curls
to expose the happy chocolate eyes
and my heart continues its song.
His dancing hands still hold the worn sweater,
the sepia curls still bounce happily above the guitar,
and our comfortably locked eyes will forever sing our song.
Sept. 27, 2009
it has just rained.
automobile oil and grease make the puddles on the pavement shimmer rainbow colors. she inhales deeply before she slams the apartment door behind her and rushes down the glossy cement stairs. her numb fingers travel up her fleece coat. she struggles to fasten the buttons. her body hasn't adjusted to the cold. it takes longer to get dressed these days.
cold loneliness pushing its way out. frigid cold weather trying to get inside. a thin layer of warm summer battles both opposing forces, and even when the fight seems futile, it holds strong to the bone and muscle of her newly fragile frame.
headphones resting in each ear, she walks down the sidewalk, unintentionally stepping to the beat of the death cab songs flowing through her. she has their playlist on repeat. that's the way it's been lately.
she smiles at a young couple walking arm in arm, huddled close to stay warm. a knot forms in her chest, a similar one in her abdomen. the numbness has spread to her shoulders and lower back and as she reaches the crosswalk, it engulfs her thinning thighs and calves. she strives to maintain the warmth in her middle. she concentrates, focuses on the central heat and mentally tallies the days until she's back to her summer.
the bench never looked so welcoming. she can't feel her body bend and relax as she takes a seat next to a dark woman who rubs her hands together purposefully. she closes her eyes as her exhaling breath mixes with the frosted air and clouds her vision. it only takes a second until he comes to her, distinct and vivid, as though he's standing right in front of her. he's wearing her favorite sweater, the one she borrowed and covertly sewed a heart into the sleeve. she sees him concerned at first, but then he chuckles at her apparent desperation and his deep, warm eyes shine with the faith she always found comfort in. her heart lurches as her desire gets the best of her.
as she opens her eyes to recompose herself and steady her breathing, your song comes on and her body stiffens. the pounding coming from her chest feels like a foreign object, something she shouldn't have on her person. as personal as this song is, she refuses to skip to the next one. it would break some sort of unspoken code she's made for herself.
she picks nervously at the cuticles on her pale fingers and meditates on keeping her composure. her left hand impulsively reaches up and into her thick coat and behind her cotton t-shirt. she bares the golden cassette tape the size of her pinky that is carefully interlined with tiny rhinestones. she fingers the thin tawny chain and is then disturbed by an abrupt vibration coming from her right hip. she keeps a hold onto the tiny charm and brandishes her cell phone from her coat pocket.
as the screen illuminates, she checks her inbox and a single message is waiting to be read.
it's labeled with your name. your perfect name followed by a simple sentence. "I love you."
she feels a tug on her cheek and she's smiling a sweet subtle smile.
your song still echoes through the tiny earbuds attached to her iPod and the volume hasn't changed, but the song plays perfectly clear and full as though she's listening to it live. the warm ball in her stomach grows roots that spread to her frozen legs and toes. they twist up and through her tired back and arms. she shivers as chills from the temperature change flow over her exposed neck. her skin feels flushed and she welcomes the cool breeze that hits her face. it's not so cold anymore.
she hums along to the repeating chorus of "marching bands of manhattan" with the subtle smile still patched onto her glowing face. she cannot wait to see her summer again.
automobile oil and grease make the puddles on the pavement shimmer rainbow colors. she inhales deeply before she slams the apartment door behind her and rushes down the glossy cement stairs. her numb fingers travel up her fleece coat. she struggles to fasten the buttons. her body hasn't adjusted to the cold. it takes longer to get dressed these days.
cold loneliness pushing its way out. frigid cold weather trying to get inside. a thin layer of warm summer battles both opposing forces, and even when the fight seems futile, it holds strong to the bone and muscle of her newly fragile frame.
headphones resting in each ear, she walks down the sidewalk, unintentionally stepping to the beat of the death cab songs flowing through her. she has their playlist on repeat. that's the way it's been lately.
she smiles at a young couple walking arm in arm, huddled close to stay warm. a knot forms in her chest, a similar one in her abdomen. the numbness has spread to her shoulders and lower back and as she reaches the crosswalk, it engulfs her thinning thighs and calves. she strives to maintain the warmth in her middle. she concentrates, focuses on the central heat and mentally tallies the days until she's back to her summer.
the bench never looked so welcoming. she can't feel her body bend and relax as she takes a seat next to a dark woman who rubs her hands together purposefully. she closes her eyes as her exhaling breath mixes with the frosted air and clouds her vision. it only takes a second until he comes to her, distinct and vivid, as though he's standing right in front of her. he's wearing her favorite sweater, the one she borrowed and covertly sewed a heart into the sleeve. she sees him concerned at first, but then he chuckles at her apparent desperation and his deep, warm eyes shine with the faith she always found comfort in. her heart lurches as her desire gets the best of her.
as she opens her eyes to recompose herself and steady her breathing, your song comes on and her body stiffens. the pounding coming from her chest feels like a foreign object, something she shouldn't have on her person. as personal as this song is, she refuses to skip to the next one. it would break some sort of unspoken code she's made for herself.
she picks nervously at the cuticles on her pale fingers and meditates on keeping her composure. her left hand impulsively reaches up and into her thick coat and behind her cotton t-shirt. she bares the golden cassette tape the size of her pinky that is carefully interlined with tiny rhinestones. she fingers the thin tawny chain and is then disturbed by an abrupt vibration coming from her right hip. she keeps a hold onto the tiny charm and brandishes her cell phone from her coat pocket.
as the screen illuminates, she checks her inbox and a single message is waiting to be read.
it's labeled with your name. your perfect name followed by a simple sentence. "I love you."
she feels a tug on her cheek and she's smiling a sweet subtle smile.
your song still echoes through the tiny earbuds attached to her iPod and the volume hasn't changed, but the song plays perfectly clear and full as though she's listening to it live. the warm ball in her stomach grows roots that spread to her frozen legs and toes. they twist up and through her tired back and arms. she shivers as chills from the temperature change flow over her exposed neck. her skin feels flushed and she welcomes the cool breeze that hits her face. it's not so cold anymore.
she hums along to the repeating chorus of "marching bands of manhattan" with the subtle smile still patched onto her glowing face. she cannot wait to see her summer again.
grasping.
it was july 4th, 2009.
you disappointed your family to be with me. at our “last” fourth of july.
you left the campsite at 5 in the morning to drive 2 hours to our hotel. i was so excited to see you i’d hardly slept the night before. i never told you that…
i was up by 4. showered & dressed by the time you called. i met you at the elevator. it had only been one day since i’d last seen you, but that time felt like weeks for me. i never told you that…
you were tired. i could tell. you were kind of grumpy, but you hid it. you were happy to be with me. i know that you did a lot to come to me. i never told you how much i appreciated that…
the parade, my eccentric family, my extended family that i hardly know, the beach & the towels we forgot to bring, all that food that we still never figured out how we managed to eat…you were there. & i was so happy. everyone could see how happy i was. i happy we were. how perfect we were together. everyone knew. & everyone was jealous. all the comments about how i was leaving, how it wouldn’t last… they all came from jealousy. but they still stung. it was the sting that never faded away.
the fireworks. our shitty viewing spot. my frustrating parents…i was annoyed. & you knew it. but you held me close to your chest. you let me lean on you during the show even though your back was killing you. your cheek resting on my head, your arms around me. the fireworks ended too soon…
you were supposed to sleep on the roll-away bed. on the opposite side of the room. but my brothers fell asleep. & you never wanted to move. i never wanted you to move. we were safe in those white sheets, under the down comforter. i fell asleep in your arms. i knew you were watching me, listening to me breathe. it was easy to relax with you there. so easy. just like everything else with you.
you fell asleep too. at some point i don’t remember.
i hate a nightmare. of all nights, i had a nightmare in your arms. when i knew i could never be any more safe.
i woke up crying. & you woke up too. you just knew something wasn’t right. & you just held me.
“what’s wrong? sarabeth…what’s wrong”
i shook my head & spilt more tears onto your t-shirt.
“hey…it’s okay…it’s okay…shhh…”
i clutched onto your arms & tugged at your sleeves. the tears wouldn’t stop. the knot in my throat wouldn’t go away. i was ruining this perfect night. knowing that made it worse…
“i don’t want to leave you. i don’t want to go…”
your breathing stopped. it staggered. i could hear the low, deep thump from your chest.
“i don’t want you to leave either. but it’s okay… we’ll be fine. i love you. we are in love. do you know how rare that is? do you realize what we have? we’re going to be okay. we have to be…”
neither of us truly believed we would be okay. but you were doing your job. you were taking care of me, like you always said you would. like you’d always promised to do.
you held onto the back of my head and kissed my forehead. once, twice… the third time was drawn out. you inhaled. you exhaled.
i lifted my chin up to meet your beautiful brown eyes. i touched your nose with mine.
your fingers brushed back my hair and rested behind my ear.
and you kissed me. timidly. fearful. anticipating what we both feared, even though it wouldn’t come for another 3 months.
and i kissed you back. i was embarrassed by the salt taste in my mouth. i knew you could taste it too. but you didn’t let go of me. you never let me go. and i never wanted you to…
and even now, after our fears became reality, you still haven’t let go. and i haven’t either. i don’t think i ever will. i don’t think i ever could. i don’t want to. i don’t want you to either.
i’ll hold on to you forever, grasping onto your t-shirt…
you disappointed your family to be with me. at our “last” fourth of july.
you left the campsite at 5 in the morning to drive 2 hours to our hotel. i was so excited to see you i’d hardly slept the night before. i never told you that…
i was up by 4. showered & dressed by the time you called. i met you at the elevator. it had only been one day since i’d last seen you, but that time felt like weeks for me. i never told you that…
you were tired. i could tell. you were kind of grumpy, but you hid it. you were happy to be with me. i know that you did a lot to come to me. i never told you how much i appreciated that…
the parade, my eccentric family, my extended family that i hardly know, the beach & the towels we forgot to bring, all that food that we still never figured out how we managed to eat…you were there. & i was so happy. everyone could see how happy i was. i happy we were. how perfect we were together. everyone knew. & everyone was jealous. all the comments about how i was leaving, how it wouldn’t last… they all came from jealousy. but they still stung. it was the sting that never faded away.
the fireworks. our shitty viewing spot. my frustrating parents…i was annoyed. & you knew it. but you held me close to your chest. you let me lean on you during the show even though your back was killing you. your cheek resting on my head, your arms around me. the fireworks ended too soon…
you were supposed to sleep on the roll-away bed. on the opposite side of the room. but my brothers fell asleep. & you never wanted to move. i never wanted you to move. we were safe in those white sheets, under the down comforter. i fell asleep in your arms. i knew you were watching me, listening to me breathe. it was easy to relax with you there. so easy. just like everything else with you.
you fell asleep too. at some point i don’t remember.
i hate a nightmare. of all nights, i had a nightmare in your arms. when i knew i could never be any more safe.
i woke up crying. & you woke up too. you just knew something wasn’t right. & you just held me.
“what’s wrong? sarabeth…what’s wrong”
i shook my head & spilt more tears onto your t-shirt.
“hey…it’s okay…it’s okay…shhh…”
i clutched onto your arms & tugged at your sleeves. the tears wouldn’t stop. the knot in my throat wouldn’t go away. i was ruining this perfect night. knowing that made it worse…
“i don’t want to leave you. i don’t want to go…”
your breathing stopped. it staggered. i could hear the low, deep thump from your chest.
“i don’t want you to leave either. but it’s okay… we’ll be fine. i love you. we are in love. do you know how rare that is? do you realize what we have? we’re going to be okay. we have to be…”
neither of us truly believed we would be okay. but you were doing your job. you were taking care of me, like you always said you would. like you’d always promised to do.
you held onto the back of my head and kissed my forehead. once, twice… the third time was drawn out. you inhaled. you exhaled.
i lifted my chin up to meet your beautiful brown eyes. i touched your nose with mine.
your fingers brushed back my hair and rested behind my ear.
and you kissed me. timidly. fearful. anticipating what we both feared, even though it wouldn’t come for another 3 months.
and i kissed you back. i was embarrassed by the salt taste in my mouth. i knew you could taste it too. but you didn’t let go of me. you never let me go. and i never wanted you to…
and even now, after our fears became reality, you still haven’t let go. and i haven’t either. i don’t think i ever will. i don’t think i ever could. i don’t want to. i don’t want you to either.
i’ll hold on to you forever, grasping onto your t-shirt…
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