April 15

I'm quickly losing my motivation to do anything. I'm struggling to grasp onto anything that I'm passionate about. The easiest thing for me to hang on to is people, but everyone keeps slipping through my fingers.
Mad crushing on boys who live 500 miles away is never a good idea. I know this will end badly. I'm trying to prepare and brace myself for it, but I know there's no possible way I'll be able to. Just like how I knew what kind of guy Cam was and it still surprised me when he let me down. I should know better. Shame on me...
I want desperately to feel accomplished in something. I miss being constantly surrounded by people who motivate me and drive me. I feel like college makes people lazy and stupid. There are too many outer influences and it is much easier for someone to lose their focus. I didn't intend on losing mine, but I've noticed that everyone I'm surrounded by has lost theirs. That's making an impact on me and it makes me nervous.
The party-scene is not for me. I know that now. It's not exciting to me anymore. This realization is much more comforting to me than I would have thought.
The thought of transferring sits heavily on my shoulders, even more so now that I've had so many conversations with people about how Oregon has lost it's shine. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who is losing interest.
I'm becoming even more concerned with my relationships with my family. I feel myself becoming more and more disconnect from them, yet there are days where I painfully miss being around them. The potentiality of my family breaking apart entirely is a great factor in why I'm building up walls. No one is to blame for that except for me though. But I couldn't stop it if I tried.

I need to find motivation again.

penny stocks

I haven't written anything in so long I was nervous to sit down and attempt to write anything for fear that I had forgotten how to even write. I guess we'll see how this turns out. Not like I have many critics seeings as how no one reads this. And the only people, or I guess person, who used to is long gone by now.

I've been self-contained for about four months now. I have guarded my heart and my head and done my best to ward off others. I've developed this innate fear of growing close to people. But now I'm starting to realize that I'm afraid of forming any sort of attachment to anything, even places. I think my relationship outlook was significantly altered when my family picked up and moved across the country. That transition showed me how easy it is to just leave and be forgotten. I've gotten pretty good at leaving. The forgetting part is where things get tricky.
You see, one of my deepest fears is to be forgotten. To live a life and make no influence or impact on anyone. If I were to find out that I had in fact been forgotten by an old friend, I'd be disappointed, heart-broken even. I'd question myself and my faults and analyze what I could have done (or failed at doing) to have been forgotten.
And I'm not one to forget easily. My memory of exact words and events may be a little off, but I have not forgotten anyone who has been remotely close to me. I plan to keep things that way.
That is why forgetting isn't so simple.

This is incomplete. And chances are, it'll stay that way.
I'm tired of having something to say and being ignored.