September 6, 2010

i honestly couldn't tell you where my head is these days. or my heart for that matter. i've just been a walking mess of numb for the past couple of months. and the weirdest part of all is that i'm so comfortable with it.
granted, i had the one breakdown a few weeks ago, but after that i've just been floating in this strange limbo.
i guess i'm not entirely numb. i feel things. i feel lots of things. i feel too many things.
but i'm choosing to ignore them. to push them aside. i MAKE them numb.
so i guess that's why it's a limbo.
i don't trust anyone now. i've disconnected myself from a lot of people for the sake of not hurting. because whether you want it to or not, everyone will hurt you at some point. it's just human nature.
i know my stability..and i know that i'm not strong enough to handle hurt after hurt. that's why i'm so cold now. i've just closed off my heart.
i think it's funny actually. a year ago i could have never imagined i would be this person. i would have laughed. i hate people like this, who don't let anyone in. who are too afraid to let love in and give love away. and now. now, i am one of those people. but it's funny to me. it's almost hilarious.

i only wish he'd read this. i only wish he'd see into my mind and the way i think these days. i'd love for him to be concerned about me, to care just an ounce for how i'm doing. but he doesn't. and he won't. he's become cold too, just like me. except he finds comfort in jumping from relationship to meaningless relationship, while i sit here all alone.

god, this is all so funny to me. how did we even get here in the first place? weren't we better than this? we were supposed to be infinite. we were supposed to be smarter and stronger. we were never meant to be apart from each other. but maybe we were never been to be at all. we've known that our timing was off. we always said "if we'd only met 5 or 6 years from now." yeah, well at this rate, i won't want you in 5 or 6 years. i'm changing. and so are you. but are we changing because of each other? i'm not sure. i don't really want to know the answer to that.

i'm fairly sure that i've lost you forever by now. i don't know how i feel about that yet. like i said, i'm numb. i'm choosing not to feel anything.

today marks one year since i packed up my life and left you. that was the most heartbreaking moment i've ever had to deal with. i couldn't even look at you as i drove away. you were so broken and it showed. i couldn't handle it. because i was broken too. you couldn't even drive home. if i had known that things would be the way they are now i wouldn't have ever left you. i would have figured out a way to stay. i would have sacrificed so much for you.
but you are too good. you wouldn't have let me. you would have made me leave, because that was what i needed to do. even though you didn't want to, you understood that. as painful as it was for you, you knew you had to let me go.
and so i did. i left, but only physically. you have been gone for some time now.

i'm so tired of writing about you. get out of my head. getoutgetoutgetout.

The Sea Song

This was an assignment for Comparative Lit. 360: Gender and Identity in Literature.
We focused on epic novels and for our final project we were to compose our own version of an epic based off of what we learned during the term. I rushed to put mine together and it shows, but I figured I might as well post it. <3
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They tell me I was born with black hair. Jet-black hair and yellow skin. I spent my first weeks as a human wrapped in a glowing blanket until the yellow in my eyes faded away. The jet-black hair was disconcerting to mother and father. And I was quiet. I rarely cried. They worried.
After several weeks of hushed concerns and forced smiles, I finally cried. But it was not a blaring cry like most other babies. It was a croon; much more like a song than anything else. Mother and father swooned at the sound and ease returned to their faces. They encouraged me to sing again and again and they held each other close and danced to the song I sang, leaving all their worries and cares behind, seemingly in another dimension of time and space.
As I rounded the age of 7 months, my black locks transformed into white blond tufts of hair. My brown eyes popped and shone with the contrast and mother and father stared in awe and amazement, but with great appreciation for the change.
Years passed by and as my age matured, so did my voice. But I never sang in public. I was much too shy. My white-blonde hair made me stick out enough. I was the target for incessant teasing all through my years in school. My hair made me different. I didn’t want to be different, so I stayed quiet.
Almost fifteen years had passed since my birth when my world was altered. It was time for my family to leave. My father had been called to a place I was only vaguely familiar with because of the stories my parents told me. They said it was a heavily populated place with lots of sun and heat, where the people enjoyed things that shone and sparkled. They warned me not to expect everyone to be as nice as the friends I’d grown up with, but to not be afraid. They were rougher around the edges, but had kind and understanding hearts.
The one thing mother and father spoke most highly of was the Sea.
“Nothing but good comes from the Sea,” they had said. “Everyone finds a little piece of themselves there. It is where people believe they can receive guidance and strength. You will like the Sea.”
And so we left our home to make a new one. We spent three weeks exploring the country and the history that remained in tiny portions of it. We braved unexpected downpours, cold in the unlikeliest of places, heat that made the desert seem mild, and bugs and insects of all sizes and shapes. But even through all of our struggles to replant our lives in a foreign place, this was not to be the most difficult challenge I would face.
I was relieved to find that when we reached our destination, I did not feel out of place or terrified. There was something here that told me that this is where I was meant to be. Something about it felt right. Mother and father seemed more at ease as well.
My schooling was due to start soon after I’d arrived and I put on as brave a face as I could manage and attempted to push aside my hesitation. Over two thousand girls and boys wandered from classroom to classroom on the other side of the gate as I stood holding my breath before entering. In my nervousness I began humming a tune to relax. People bustled past me on both sides, rushing to beat the bell that would declare them tardy, but once I started humming everything and everyone slowed down. A sort of balance was restored in me and I pushed my shoulders back and kept my chin up as I made my way across the campus to my lessons.
The first part of the day passed smoothly. I had been worried that my near white hair would set me apart from the rest of the students and I would once again fall prey to jokes and teasing, but my hair encouraged others to talk to me. It played as a conversation starter and it received praise instead of taunts. For the first time in my life I finally felt like I belonged. I was happy that this new place would be my home.
During recess, I’d joined a girl I’d met in my English lesson named Alex. She introduced me to the girls that sat down on the warm grass next to us as Erin and Brittany. They asked me about the home I’d moved away from and they told me about the other students at the school. I allowed my eyes to view the crowd that surrounded us. Groups huddled close, laughing and conversing together carelessly. My scanning stopped with a jump as I made contact with a pair of cold grey eyes. There was some burning frustration behind these eyes and as I surveyed the person they belonged to, the body language revealed the same message.
“Who is that?” I questioned the group of girls.
“That’s Brayden,” Erin replied. “He’s the top singer in the region, possibly the whole Southern part of the state. He’s really into himself and he doesn’t like competition. No one really likes him, but no one is brave enough to stand up to him.”
I cringed as his cold eyes finally left mine. I wasn’t his competition, so why had he pinned me as an enemy with that glare?
I tried my best to brush it off as Brittany and I made our way towards the music hall. She waved goodbye as she hurried off to her dance lesson and I entered the choir classroom. I was one of the first to arrive and I took a seat next to a curly haired brunette towards the front of the row. She introduced herself as Gabi and we made small talk as the rest of the students trickled in. Just as the class was getting settled, the door flung open. All the chatter ceased and Brayden waltzed in. He made his way across the floor and took the seat at the very front of the room that everyone appeared to have been saving for him. His eyes met mine with one last threatening glare before he swung his body around to face the front.
Our instructor presented himself and along with his expectations of us for the class. After a brief group warm-up, he announced that the lead soloist for the year would be chosen the following day during class. We were each to prepare a piece that we would sing on the front stage. My stomach sank. I had never sung in front of anyone besides my parents. I was certain I wouldn’t be able to brave an entire audience of people I hardly knew.
My mind was spinning as I gathered my things to leave as class ended, but I wasn’t free to go that easily. As I reached down to pick up my bag, a set of tan lace-up sneakers stopped in front of me. I glanced up and it was Brayden.
“So,” he said with a smirk on his face, “You think you can sing? Doubtful. You’re a girl. There’s no chance you’ll get the solo part this year. That title has been mine for the past 3 years and that won’t change. You might as well run on back to wherever you came from and save yourself the humiliation tomorrow.”
I stood up as tall as I could, threw my bag on my shoulder as I gave one last piercing glower and walked out of the classroom. When I knew I was finally out of sight from the stares of the students who’d witnessed the confrontation, I let my shoulders droop, but my heart continued to race at an abnormal rate. What if Brayden was right? What if I humiliated myself tomorrow in the competition? I felt flustered and afraid. Then I remembered what my parents had said about the Sea and I set off to see if it would help me to find some guidance.
The second my bare feet touched the warm grains of sand I knew coming to the Sea had been a good idea. I felt my entire body relax as well as my mind and soul. I sauntered to where the water reached the dry sand and let the small waves lick at my knees. I closed my eyes and inhaled the salty air. I hummed quietly to myself as the sun beat down on my face and neck.
“I need the courage to sing tomorrow,” I thought to the Sea. “I need to not fear myself or Brayden.”
“You have all the strength within you,” the Sea replied. “All you have to do is sing and you will find all the courage you need.”
I waded deeper into the cool water and submerged my head with my eyes closed. The song I’d been humming became louder the instant I went under and all of my worries drifted away with the waves that crashed above me.
When I finally resurfaced, my clothes were drenched and my hair was dripping with salt water, but I felt cleansed. I had found my balance.

The next day I walked into the choir room with a brand new confidence. Gabi smiled broadly at me and I sat down next to her as we waited for the competition to begin. Today the classroom was not only filled with members of the choir, but other students who had heard of the battle had wandered in. I found the familiar faces of Erin, Brittany, and Alex among the crowd and they smiled and waved enthusiastically at me. My stomach lurched a bit, but I reminded myself to keep humming.
Singer after singer performed in front of the crowded room, each one seemingly nervous. Most did well which made my nerves shake a bit, but I maintained my composure even as Brayden took stage. His song started out slow and gradually built up. His lilts and vibrato were perfect and his pitch never faltered. He took a low exaggerated bow as he finished his piece and sent me a final hostile glance as he made his way back to his chair in the front. It was my turn now.
I’d hardly remembered making my way to the front stage. It was as if I’d glided there and taken my place behind the microphone. I surveyed the audience. All their eyes were wide with anticipation. I felt a sense of doubt coming from their watch, but I had a job to fulfill and despite my immense fear of failure, I’d committed to accomplishing it. I felt the piercing stare of Brayden in front of me, but I merely closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, imagining the Sea outstretched before me. I hummed a bit and all the extra noise faded away.
And I sang. I sang strong and deep and slow, with a confidence that I’d never felt before. With my eyes closed in concentration, pictures of waves passed before my eyelids. Each lift and twirl of my voice was mimicked in the images displayed before my mind. Even though I was far from it, I felt the Sea’s presence within me. It kept my soul in balance. As I reached the highest note in the closing of my song, I inhaled as my eyes opened to see the smiling faces of the people surrounding me. A roar of applause and cheers filled the room as my hands rested at my sides. No one needed to announce it, but I’d won. I had won the solo part for the year and there was no doubt in anyone’s mind.
I glanced meekly at Brayden expecting a ferocious scowl, but his face was lit up in awe and he had abandoned his seat in the front to stand and loudly applaud with the rest of the audience. I smiled a cautious smile at him and he smiled back as I took my own low exaggerated bow.

expressions i can't express

i hide behind a veil.
a heavy black veil of indestructible material.
nothing is let in. nothing goes out.
i just stay in the dark and bide my time.
distract and trick my mind.
but then it gets cold.
the heavy lump in my chest beats faintly now.
you rush through my mind and it flutters.
it's tiny wings are stiff from a long slumber in the numbing cold.
they'd easily break, but there's no overexertion. i've trained them well.
they've learned to not get excited about anything now.
everything goes. everyone leaves. it all ends just as quickly as it begins.
i'd like to peek out to see the sun. just once.
but the fear is too great. the risk too high.
i'd lost focus and call out to you. and you'd deny me.
all my requests and pleas. you'd ignore them.
you'd leave me in the cold. blind. to find my own way.
it will be the wrong way. the wrong turn.
just like before.
and all the times before that.
the only consistency in the journey is that you are at the end.
or, moreover, i make you the ending.
as much as you wish you could, you can't deny me forever.
you make a brief appearance, but you're gone soon. back to the sun.
and i'm still left to wander.

but it hurts so much. to have to much to say and to not be able to say it.
i find distractions some way or another. but they don't last long.
and when they end, the pain is worse than before.
and i want to reach out to you. but i don't want to ruin your happiness.

and i like wallowing in self-pity. i like building it up so that when you do finally come back, i'll make you feel guilty for abandoning me. i resent the fact that you're never here. but i am irrevocably in love with you.
and that is something i cannot change.

i miss you, friend.

the depth by which you loved me was too great for my mind and my heart and my soul.

it was a reversal of affairs.

all that time i would have killed for you to look at me and smile. watching you from the corner of my eye in class and getting nervous when we'd run into each other in the hall. i didn't try hard to earn you because i thought i never could.
but when i left, i felt our bond tighten so much more than i could have ever imagined.
but you were too attached. and i didn't know why.
i wanted our friendship. i wanted our comfort and our security in each other's sentiments. when the we thought the world was against us, we always had each other to confide in. that's what i thought we were to each other.
something happened and you hurt yourself and i think it was because of me. a combination of your depression and frustration and pain...along with me being away. with me creating a separation. a rift in our friendship.
i never meant for that to happen.

maybe i got scared. i didn't want you to feel anything for me. i didn't want you to depend on me because i'm undependable. i'm a dispensable friend. i always have been. i was afraid of how much you needed me.
but i loved it at the same time. because i was finally getting what i'd always wanted from you.

i just got scared. scared to see you, to spend time alone with you, to have any sort of conversation with you that involved feelings and love. i was afraid of what you'd tell me. that i'd get trapped in my own tangled mess of words. just words and words upon more words.

and now you're gone. and i can't be mad at you. i can't be mad at myself.
you're just gone.

but i hope that one day you'll come back. that you'll pull yourself out of this rut and realize that our souls are much too connected to be apart.

i want our friendship.

April 15

I'm quickly losing my motivation to do anything. I'm struggling to grasp onto anything that I'm passionate about. The easiest thing for me to hang on to is people, but everyone keeps slipping through my fingers.
Mad crushing on boys who live 500 miles away is never a good idea. I know this will end badly. I'm trying to prepare and brace myself for it, but I know there's no possible way I'll be able to. Just like how I knew what kind of guy Cam was and it still surprised me when he let me down. I should know better. Shame on me...
I want desperately to feel accomplished in something. I miss being constantly surrounded by people who motivate me and drive me. I feel like college makes people lazy and stupid. There are too many outer influences and it is much easier for someone to lose their focus. I didn't intend on losing mine, but I've noticed that everyone I'm surrounded by has lost theirs. That's making an impact on me and it makes me nervous.
The party-scene is not for me. I know that now. It's not exciting to me anymore. This realization is much more comforting to me than I would have thought.
The thought of transferring sits heavily on my shoulders, even more so now that I've had so many conversations with people about how Oregon has lost it's shine. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who is losing interest.
I'm becoming even more concerned with my relationships with my family. I feel myself becoming more and more disconnect from them, yet there are days where I painfully miss being around them. The potentiality of my family breaking apart entirely is a great factor in why I'm building up walls. No one is to blame for that except for me though. But I couldn't stop it if I tried.

I need to find motivation again.

penny stocks

I haven't written anything in so long I was nervous to sit down and attempt to write anything for fear that I had forgotten how to even write. I guess we'll see how this turns out. Not like I have many critics seeings as how no one reads this. And the only people, or I guess person, who used to is long gone by now.

I've been self-contained for about four months now. I have guarded my heart and my head and done my best to ward off others. I've developed this innate fear of growing close to people. But now I'm starting to realize that I'm afraid of forming any sort of attachment to anything, even places. I think my relationship outlook was significantly altered when my family picked up and moved across the country. That transition showed me how easy it is to just leave and be forgotten. I've gotten pretty good at leaving. The forgetting part is where things get tricky.
You see, one of my deepest fears is to be forgotten. To live a life and make no influence or impact on anyone. If I were to find out that I had in fact been forgotten by an old friend, I'd be disappointed, heart-broken even. I'd question myself and my faults and analyze what I could have done (or failed at doing) to have been forgotten.
And I'm not one to forget easily. My memory of exact words and events may be a little off, but I have not forgotten anyone who has been remotely close to me. I plan to keep things that way.
That is why forgetting isn't so simple.

This is incomplete. And chances are, it'll stay that way.
I'm tired of having something to say and being ignored.

done.

I'm not even sure I know what I'm doing anymore. Every day I get more and more frustrated. With myself, with friends, with where I am, with what I'm doing...What do I do? How do I change that?

I wish I could listen to one song that didn't remind me of you.
I wish I didn't care about any of this anymore...