September 6, 2010

i honestly couldn't tell you where my head is these days. or my heart for that matter. i've just been a walking mess of numb for the past couple of months. and the weirdest part of all is that i'm so comfortable with it.
granted, i had the one breakdown a few weeks ago, but after that i've just been floating in this strange limbo.
i guess i'm not entirely numb. i feel things. i feel lots of things. i feel too many things.
but i'm choosing to ignore them. to push them aside. i MAKE them numb.
so i guess that's why it's a limbo.
i don't trust anyone now. i've disconnected myself from a lot of people for the sake of not hurting. because whether you want it to or not, everyone will hurt you at some point. it's just human nature.
i know my stability..and i know that i'm not strong enough to handle hurt after hurt. that's why i'm so cold now. i've just closed off my heart.
i think it's funny actually. a year ago i could have never imagined i would be this person. i would have laughed. i hate people like this, who don't let anyone in. who are too afraid to let love in and give love away. and now. now, i am one of those people. but it's funny to me. it's almost hilarious.

i only wish he'd read this. i only wish he'd see into my mind and the way i think these days. i'd love for him to be concerned about me, to care just an ounce for how i'm doing. but he doesn't. and he won't. he's become cold too, just like me. except he finds comfort in jumping from relationship to meaningless relationship, while i sit here all alone.

god, this is all so funny to me. how did we even get here in the first place? weren't we better than this? we were supposed to be infinite. we were supposed to be smarter and stronger. we were never meant to be apart from each other. but maybe we were never been to be at all. we've known that our timing was off. we always said "if we'd only met 5 or 6 years from now." yeah, well at this rate, i won't want you in 5 or 6 years. i'm changing. and so are you. but are we changing because of each other? i'm not sure. i don't really want to know the answer to that.

i'm fairly sure that i've lost you forever by now. i don't know how i feel about that yet. like i said, i'm numb. i'm choosing not to feel anything.

today marks one year since i packed up my life and left you. that was the most heartbreaking moment i've ever had to deal with. i couldn't even look at you as i drove away. you were so broken and it showed. i couldn't handle it. because i was broken too. you couldn't even drive home. if i had known that things would be the way they are now i wouldn't have ever left you. i would have figured out a way to stay. i would have sacrificed so much for you.
but you are too good. you wouldn't have let me. you would have made me leave, because that was what i needed to do. even though you didn't want to, you understood that. as painful as it was for you, you knew you had to let me go.
and so i did. i left, but only physically. you have been gone for some time now.

i'm so tired of writing about you. get out of my head. getoutgetoutgetout.