I'm quickly losing my motivation to do anything. I'm struggling to grasp onto anything that I'm passionate about. The easiest thing for me to hang on to is people, but everyone keeps slipping through my fingers.
Mad crushing on boys who live 500 miles away is never a good idea. I know this will end badly. I'm trying to prepare and brace myself for it, but I know there's no possible way I'll be able to. Just like how I knew what kind of guy Cam was and it still surprised me when he let me down. I should know better. Shame on me...
I want desperately to feel accomplished in something. I miss being constantly surrounded by people who motivate me and drive me. I feel like college makes people lazy and stupid. There are too many outer influences and it is much easier for someone to lose their focus. I didn't intend on losing mine, but I've noticed that everyone I'm surrounded by has lost theirs. That's making an impact on me and it makes me nervous.
The party-scene is not for me. I know that now. It's not exciting to me anymore. This realization is much more comforting to me than I would have thought.
The thought of transferring sits heavily on my shoulders, even more so now that I've had so many conversations with people about how Oregon has lost it's shine. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who is losing interest.
I'm becoming even more concerned with my relationships with my family. I feel myself becoming more and more disconnect from them, yet there are days where I painfully miss being around them. The potentiality of my family breaking apart entirely is a great factor in why I'm building up walls. No one is to blame for that except for me though. But I couldn't stop it if I tried.
I need to find motivation again.
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