expressions i can't express

i hide behind a veil.
a heavy black veil of indestructible material.
nothing is let in. nothing goes out.
i just stay in the dark and bide my time.
distract and trick my mind.
but then it gets cold.
the heavy lump in my chest beats faintly now.
you rush through my mind and it flutters.
it's tiny wings are stiff from a long slumber in the numbing cold.
they'd easily break, but there's no overexertion. i've trained them well.
they've learned to not get excited about anything now.
everything goes. everyone leaves. it all ends just as quickly as it begins.
i'd like to peek out to see the sun. just once.
but the fear is too great. the risk too high.
i'd lost focus and call out to you. and you'd deny me.
all my requests and pleas. you'd ignore them.
you'd leave me in the cold. blind. to find my own way.
it will be the wrong way. the wrong turn.
just like before.
and all the times before that.
the only consistency in the journey is that you are at the end.
or, moreover, i make you the ending.
as much as you wish you could, you can't deny me forever.
you make a brief appearance, but you're gone soon. back to the sun.
and i'm still left to wander.

but it hurts so much. to have to much to say and to not be able to say it.
i find distractions some way or another. but they don't last long.
and when they end, the pain is worse than before.
and i want to reach out to you. but i don't want to ruin your happiness.

and i like wallowing in self-pity. i like building it up so that when you do finally come back, i'll make you feel guilty for abandoning me. i resent the fact that you're never here. but i am irrevocably in love with you.
and that is something i cannot change.