There's not much point to this post. I suppose I'm in the mood to write...or type.
My mind is really cram-packed with thoughts, hopes, notions, prayers, expectations, predictions, dread, regret, and anxiety. I guess I'm mostly worried about what I really want with the rest of my life, or even just the next year... It's hard to know where you want to be when there not really anyone there to guide you. I'm left to make my own choices; to be responsible and independent. It's up to me to take care of myself. That in itself is terrifying.
Most of my life I've wished to grow up. I felt as though I was trapped, forced to spend time with people who never quite understood me simply because I felt they weren't on the same level of maturity as I was. I dreamt of the day that I moved away to college. To meet new people, have the ability to choose your own classes and schedule, live with the absence of nagging parents and obnoxious siblings. It seemed so perfect...when I was younger.
Now the idea scares me. I'm leaving in short of 3 months and I must admit that I don't feel prepared, mentally, financially, physically, emotionally, in the least bit. I'm being thrown into the real world with only a glimpse of a safety net. It's all on me now to figure out my life.
What if I fail...?
I'm the first of my siblings to go to college, to go through the application process, to anxiously await the admission letters, to decide my major and apply for classes. I'm the first. What if I fail?
On top of all the typical college stress, I have a relationship to...what? End? Continue? Put on hiatus? How am I supposed to know what to do?
I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. The loss of companionship, comfort, love? There will always be love, I can always find some sort of comfort and companionship. So what is it?
The safety net. Or a strand in it. That safety net has been slowly deteriorating as my departure date draws near. I'm trying to keep it in sight by hanging on to any type of relationship that could possibly withstand my move. Of course, there are no guarantees, but hope never hurt anyone. Although, someone once told me that hope was the first step on the path to disappointment.
But there is hope. I will always have hope. What I hope for will be inconsistent, but I will always have hope.
I suppose I should focus on the fact that no matter how hard I fail, if I do, there will always be someone there to pick me back up and dust me off. A lot of incredible people are waiting for me in Oregon. A lot of potential lies there. I should be concentrating on the possibilities.
I should.
& I do try.
But right now, I've got a dog whimpering and barking in my ear...so this is the end. For now.
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