july

As of now, everything seems to be teetering on that slippery edge. Nothing seems to be stable in my life anymore. Everything has become ridiculously fragile. I don't like that. I don't like things to be fragile. & I especially do not like when I am fragile.

I'm worried about my health. Terribly worried. I would talk to my mom, but she'd just brush it off like everything else. Cole doesn't understand & it's inappropriate to burden him with imagined illnesses.

I don't know what breast cancer is supposed to feel like. I only know what I've read. & from what I've read, I have the same symptoms. Tough part is that these same symptoms could also be for something much less dramatic. A simple hormonal imbalance. I'm hoping it's just that, an imbalance. But sometimes, I'm not so sure. It scares me to think that I am at such a high risk of being diagnosed with cancer. Those cells run in my veins, in my bone marrow. It's really frightening.

But I'm sure all this discomfort will turn out to be nothing. & I'll just be overreacting...

I'm ready to leave for Oregon. I am. I can feel that it's my time. I'm ready to be an adult. I do not, however, think I'm ready to leave Cole. Something happened this past month. Maybe it was those few nights we got to sleep in the same bed. Whatever it was, I've found myself clinging to him, tighter & tighter. He's become the most stable aspect of my life & I'm not sure how my mental state will be able to handle the coming separation. I'll just have to keep myself busy & distracted...for four years...?

Sometimes I do wish I could see how things will end. That way I'll have time to prepare and possibly change the outcome if I'm not happy with it.

I'm too tired now.