response

It would be easy, huh? To say I love him and only him? To disregard everything I feel for you entirely? So simple, so easy. Pain-free really...

Yeah, I'll keep doing that. I'll keep hurting you.

"Hey, I know you try so hard. You've treated me better than anyone else ever has and I know that, were it permitted, things could be even better and I could be happy. But, well, I've got this boyfriend and I love him. So...sorry!"

Easy, right?

No. Not fucking easy. Not in the slightest bit.

It used to hurt every day. Because I missed him. I missed my home. I missed the comfort of familiarity, of family, of real, true love. That type of loss, as you know, is hard enough to recover from.

But I did. Because of you. You gave me the hope I needed to stay here. I'd been looking into buying a plane ticket back home to continue college there, back with the familiarity. But then you came along and you gave me a reason to stay. Or at least, a reason to consider sticking it out.

He represents security, consistency, safety, my past. He shaped me into the person I am now.

The girl you fell for.

It is hard for me on so many different levels to end that and move on. I don't like not knowing where I'm going emotionally. I love the consistency I had with him. But it's different now. It's not so constant. It truly is like being on a roller coaster, but in the dark. I guess like Space Mountain. You can never prepare for the drops or the lifts or the turns. & this roller coaster is an old rickety one. You slam against the seat with every movement. It's uncomfortable. Strained. But at least I know I'll remain on the tracks...

With you, there is no certainty. I know that you & I are very limited in what we're able to reveal to one another, so it is possible that much of my insecurity is fueled by the fact that I can't ask a question & get an answer. You represent everything new and fresh. Raw, in a way. Beautiful, but undeniably terrifying. I'm holding on to this theory of you only being attracted to the unavailable me. You have never met the available me. The free me. You might not like her. She's not any different, but if you are in fact drawn to me because you can't have me, then you may fall out of this.

You have had me though... You have taken a large part of me in such a short amount of time. & I have done the same with you. And while I am skeptical of the validity of everything you feel, I am not afraid. I do trust you when you say that you'll always be here and I think that's where most of my comfort resides in. No matter what happens, you'll be here, in whatever form I need. & I wouldn't even have to tell you how to be. You would just know. We're both the same like that, aren't we? We both just know. I love that.

It does make me worry when you put up the wall. I know you feel like you have to and I respect that. But I truly despise it. The wall makes me insecure.

You are not consistent. Your emotions, nor your words. & that is what scares me.

I shouldn't be making any decisions based on you. But I am. I try to stay level-headed and focused. In this aspect, I try to be selfish.

You know I'm not selfish though. That's why I'm still where I am. I'm much too concerned with everyone else's emotions to base any decision on myself. But maybe that needs to change.

That will change.

I only hope that you'll still be there in the end. I can't ask you and I won't, but I truly hope you'll realize.

june

There's not much point to this post. I suppose I'm in the mood to write...or type.
My mind is really cram-packed with thoughts, hopes, notions, prayers, expectations, predictions, dread, regret, and anxiety. I guess I'm mostly worried about what I really want with the rest of my life, or even just the next year... It's hard to know where you want to be when there not really anyone there to guide you. I'm left to make my own choices; to be responsible and independent. It's up to me to take care of myself. That in itself is terrifying.
Most of my life I've wished to grow up. I felt as though I was trapped, forced to spend time with people who never quite understood me simply because I felt they weren't on the same level of maturity as I was. I dreamt of the day that I moved away to college. To meet new people, have the ability to choose your own classes and schedule, live with the absence of nagging parents and obnoxious siblings. It seemed so perfect...when I was younger.
Now the idea scares me. I'm leaving in short of 3 months and I must admit that I don't feel prepared, mentally, financially, physically, emotionally, in the least bit. I'm being thrown into the real world with only a glimpse of a safety net. It's all on me now to figure out my life.

What if I fail...?

I'm the first of my siblings to go to college, to go through the application process, to anxiously await the admission letters, to decide my major and apply for classes. I'm the first. What if I fail?

On top of all the typical college stress, I have a relationship to...what? End? Continue? Put on hiatus? How am I supposed to know what to do?
I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. The loss of companionship, comfort, love? There will always be love, I can always find some sort of comfort and companionship. So what is it?

The safety net. Or a strand in it. That safety net has been slowly deteriorating as my departure date draws near. I'm trying to keep it in sight by hanging on to any type of relationship that could possibly withstand my move. Of course, there are no guarantees, but hope never hurt anyone. Although, someone once told me that hope was the first step on the path to disappointment.

But there is hope. I will always have hope. What I hope for will be inconsistent, but I will always have hope.

I suppose I should focus on the fact that no matter how hard I fail, if I do, there will always be someone there to pick me back up and dust me off. A lot of incredible people are waiting for me in Oregon. A lot of potential lies there. I should be concentrating on the possibilities.

I should.
& I do try.

But right now, I've got a dog whimpering and barking in my ear...so this is the end. For now.

june 17th

It's cold.
Your fingertips,
the ones that slide
and fall
like feathers,
brush my wrist,
my neck.
The protruding bone slows you down
but doesn't stop you.
It wouldn't stop you.
It never could.
"It's forever," you say.
"I promise," I confirm
with a heavy heart.
It's become weaker lately.
Too much strain on such a fragile thing.
The strings were pulled too far,
too tight.
They twisted, never snapped, just stretched.
Despite the discomfort, the awkwardness,
the impending end,
he holds on tight.
Much too tight to be comfortable.
It's harder to breathe, to move, to grow,
to think.
I can't think.
Let me breathe.
Face clenched tight,
I don't want to see it.
I don't want to see the sadness.
The insecurity.
The accusations.
Those sad eyes.
I shut it out. All of it.
I search for the new face.
That smile.
I strain to remember...
It was dark. I found you in the shadows.
The torch light hit your face,
distorting it in the most beautiful way.
Your eyes,
more prominent than in the daylight,
stared straight into me.
You saw everything in that second.
The secrets, the desire, the confusion,
the pain, the frustration, the anticipation,
the love.
Most of all the love.
That's why you stayed.
The threat pulled you away.
Fight it as you might, you had to go.
That final good bye, composed of burning curiosity
and undeniable magnetism.

"I don't want to wait..."
"The time will fly..."
"The potential..."
Months, weeks, days, hours, minutes.
I'll count the seconds instead.

The selfishness will be the end of me.
Burning through my veins.
Stop it.
Choose. Decide. Don't wait.
Now, now, now. Hurry up.
There's no time.
It's not fair.
But it's my time.
My strings.

"The potential..."
The potential to happily sink.
To find warmth and strength in a dark abyss.
To be at peace with the fall.

The potential to lose.
That terrible potential to lose.
The final result,
It's no longer just potential...

Salt, all I taste is salt.
The pit grows larger, greater.
Soon, it'll consume my heart.
I need this now. Not later.
I need this now but timing is not my friend.
Selfishness is the only familiar face,
strategically placing rocks to hold me in place,
despite what my mind says,
my heart is weighed down.
Too heavy to fly away.
Too fragile to fight it.

I cannot deny the potential.
I will never desire to.
The wait is deathly to my mind.
I feel the ghost of it creeping into your heart.
Pulling you further away.
Please don't go. Please stay.
I shudder in silence as Selfishness adds more rocks.
I imagined it...I never asked you.
I could never ask you.
Selfishness will not find you.
I won't let it.
I must let your heart fly free,
no rocks, no strings.
The rocks rip at the lining of the cavity that is my heart,
the jagged edges cut my wounds raw.
I'll have to wait to be healed.
For your heart to fly in and rescue mine.
I'll wait.
I can't make you.

I let your fingers fall.
The soft feathers are gone forever
Along with your sad eyes, but the memories burn like a blue flame.
Hot and cold.
You release your strings.
My heart seizes with the unfamiliar release.
It's harder to breathe now,
but easier all the same.
I open my eyes. The tension is gone.
...and so are you.

july

As of now, everything seems to be teetering on that slippery edge. Nothing seems to be stable in my life anymore. Everything has become ridiculously fragile. I don't like that. I don't like things to be fragile. & I especially do not like when I am fragile.

I'm worried about my health. Terribly worried. I would talk to my mom, but she'd just brush it off like everything else. Cole doesn't understand & it's inappropriate to burden him with imagined illnesses.

I don't know what breast cancer is supposed to feel like. I only know what I've read. & from what I've read, I have the same symptoms. Tough part is that these same symptoms could also be for something much less dramatic. A simple hormonal imbalance. I'm hoping it's just that, an imbalance. But sometimes, I'm not so sure. It scares me to think that I am at such a high risk of being diagnosed with cancer. Those cells run in my veins, in my bone marrow. It's really frightening.

But I'm sure all this discomfort will turn out to be nothing. & I'll just be overreacting...

I'm ready to leave for Oregon. I am. I can feel that it's my time. I'm ready to be an adult. I do not, however, think I'm ready to leave Cole. Something happened this past month. Maybe it was those few nights we got to sleep in the same bed. Whatever it was, I've found myself clinging to him, tighter & tighter. He's become the most stable aspect of my life & I'm not sure how my mental state will be able to handle the coming separation. I'll just have to keep myself busy & distracted...for four years...?

Sometimes I do wish I could see how things will end. That way I'll have time to prepare and possibly change the outcome if I'm not happy with it.

I'm too tired now.