done.

I'm not even sure I know what I'm doing anymore. Every day I get more and more frustrated. With myself, with friends, with where I am, with what I'm doing...What do I do? How do I change that?

I wish I could listen to one song that didn't remind me of you.
I wish I didn't care about any of this anymore...

i'm not looking for sympathy.
i'm not hoping for empathy.
i'm not really interested in any of the "-pathies".

i'm closed off for a reason. i have the walls because i want them there.
i'm happy being cut off from emotion.
well, i guess it's not fair to say i'm completely cut off from emotion...since i cry & get mad & all that jazz...
what i mean is that i'm happy with the fact that i'm not emotionally attached to anyone. that's liberating. that feels incredible to me. i have never in my life had so much emotional freedom.
of course, it's not me. it's not my personality to not really give a shit about anyone else.

i'm putting all my eggs into one basket. sorry for the cliche...but how else do i explain it?
all of my effort and all of my emotions, they're for him.

sestina

The strings tremble while the song
comes soaring out of his guitar.
A crease forms between his eyes
as he watches his dancing hands.
The breeze comes and lifts his curls
and I shiver in his worn sweater.

The fraying edges of his sweater
sway with the wind's silent song.
The dry leaves fly in curls,
up and over the old guitar.
The chilled air forces my hands
into my pockets, below the button eyes.

I slowly close my eyes
and wrap them in the sweater
while his ever-working hands
continue playing the familiar song.
"He's always comfortable with his guitar,"
I grin, silently. His sepia curls

happily tangle with the curls
of the leaves. His chocolate eyes
nervously glance at me. His guitar
holds his attention, but the sweater
I'm wearing makes him pause the beautiful song.
I gaze up as the clouds form hands

around the sun. I feel his cool hands
on my face and I'm drowning in warm curls.
Suddenly, there is no sweet song
but I close my satisfied eyes.
"I'm comfortable", sings the sweater
to the happily resting guitar.

There's still a melody without the guitar.
My anxious fingers find his dancing hands
and pull them towards the sweater.
He gracefully pushes back the curls
to expose the happy chocolate eyes
and my heart continues its song.

His dancing hands still hold the worn sweater,
the sepia curls still bounce happily above the guitar,
and our comfortably locked eyes will forever sing our song.

Sept. 27, 2009

it has just rained.
automobile oil and grease make the puddles on the pavement shimmer rainbow colors. she inhales deeply before she slams the apartment door behind her and rushes down the glossy cement stairs. her numb fingers travel up her fleece coat. she struggles to fasten the buttons. her body hasn't adjusted to the cold. it takes longer to get dressed these days.
cold loneliness pushing its way out. frigid cold weather trying to get inside. a thin layer of warm summer battles both opposing forces, and even when the fight seems futile, it holds strong to the bone and muscle of her newly fragile frame.
headphones resting in each ear, she walks down the sidewalk, unintentionally stepping to the beat of the death cab songs flowing through her. she has their playlist on repeat. that's the way it's been lately.
she smiles at a young couple walking arm in arm, huddled close to stay warm. a knot forms in her chest, a similar one in her abdomen. the numbness has spread to her shoulders and lower back and as she reaches the crosswalk, it engulfs her thinning thighs and calves. she strives to maintain the warmth in her middle. she concentrates, focuses on the central heat and mentally tallies the days until she's back to her summer.
the bench never looked so welcoming. she can't feel her body bend and relax as she takes a seat next to a dark woman who rubs her hands together purposefully. she closes her eyes as her exhaling breath mixes with the frosted air and clouds her vision. it only takes a second until he comes to her, distinct and vivid, as though he's standing right in front of her. he's wearing her favorite sweater, the one she borrowed and covertly sewed a heart into the sleeve. she sees him concerned at first, but then he chuckles at her apparent desperation and his deep, warm eyes shine with the faith she always found comfort in. her heart lurches as her desire gets the best of her.
as she opens her eyes to recompose herself and steady her breathing, your song comes on and her body stiffens. the pounding coming from her chest feels like a foreign object, something she shouldn't have on her person. as personal as this song is, she refuses to skip to the next one. it would break some sort of unspoken code she's made for herself.
she picks nervously at the cuticles on her pale fingers and meditates on keeping her composure. her left hand impulsively reaches up and into her thick coat and behind her cotton t-shirt. she bares the golden cassette tape the size of her pinky that is carefully interlined with tiny rhinestones. she fingers the thin tawny chain and is then disturbed by an abrupt vibration coming from her right hip. she keeps a hold onto the tiny charm and brandishes her cell phone from her coat pocket.
as the screen illuminates, she checks her inbox and a single message is waiting to be read.

it's labeled with your name. your perfect name followed by a simple sentence. "I love you."
she feels a tug on her cheek and she's smiling a sweet subtle smile.

your song still echoes through the tiny earbuds attached to her iPod and the volume hasn't changed, but the song plays perfectly clear and full as though she's listening to it live. the warm ball in her stomach grows roots that spread to her frozen legs and toes. they twist up and through her tired back and arms. she shivers as chills from the temperature change flow over her exposed neck. her skin feels flushed and she welcomes the cool breeze that hits her face. it's not so cold anymore.

she hums along to the repeating chorus of "marching bands of manhattan" with the subtle smile still patched onto her glowing face. she cannot wait to see her summer again.

grasping.

it was july 4th, 2009.

you disappointed your family to be with me. at our “last” fourth of july.

you left the campsite at 5 in the morning to drive 2 hours to our hotel. i was so excited to see you i’d hardly slept the night before. i never told you that…

i was up by 4. showered & dressed by the time you called. i met you at the elevator. it had only been one day since i’d last seen you, but that time felt like weeks for me. i never told you that…

you were tired. i could tell. you were kind of grumpy, but you hid it. you were happy to be with me. i know that you did a lot to come to me. i never told you how much i appreciated that…

the parade, my eccentric family, my extended family that i hardly know, the beach & the towels we forgot to bring, all that food that we still never figured out how we managed to eat…you were there. & i was so happy. everyone could see how happy i was. i happy we were. how perfect we were together. everyone knew. & everyone was jealous. all the comments about how i was leaving, how it wouldn’t last… they all came from jealousy. but they still stung. it was the sting that never faded away.

the fireworks. our shitty viewing spot. my frustrating parents…i was annoyed. & you knew it. but you held me close to your chest. you let me lean on you during the show even though your back was killing you. your cheek resting on my head, your arms around me. the fireworks ended too soon…

you were supposed to sleep on the roll-away bed. on the opposite side of the room. but my brothers fell asleep. & you never wanted to move. i never wanted you to move. we were safe in those white sheets, under the down comforter. i fell asleep in your arms. i knew you were watching me, listening to me breathe. it was easy to relax with you there. so easy. just like everything else with you.

you fell asleep too. at some point i don’t remember.

i hate a nightmare. of all nights, i had a nightmare in your arms. when i knew i could never be any more safe.

i woke up crying. & you woke up too. you just knew something wasn’t right. & you just held me.

“what’s wrong? sarabeth…what’s wrong”

i shook my head & spilt more tears onto your t-shirt.

“hey…it’s okay…it’s okay…shhh…”

i clutched onto your arms & tugged at your sleeves. the tears wouldn’t stop. the knot in my throat wouldn’t go away. i was ruining this perfect night. knowing that made it worse…

“i don’t want to leave you. i don’t want to go…”

your breathing stopped. it staggered. i could hear the low, deep thump from your chest.

“i don’t want you to leave either. but it’s okay… we’ll be fine. i love you. we are in love. do you know how rare that is? do you realize what we have? we’re going to be okay. we have to be…”

neither of us truly believed we would be okay. but you were doing your job. you were taking care of me, like you always said you would. like you’d always promised to do.

you held onto the back of my head and kissed my forehead. once, twice… the third time was drawn out. you inhaled. you exhaled.

i lifted my chin up to meet your beautiful brown eyes. i touched your nose with mine.

your fingers brushed back my hair and rested behind my ear.

and you kissed me. timidly. fearful. anticipating what we both feared, even though it wouldn’t come for another 3 months.

and i kissed you back. i was embarrassed by the salt taste in my mouth. i knew you could taste it too. but you didn’t let go of me. you never let me go. and i never wanted you to…

and even now, after our fears became reality, you still haven’t let go. and i haven’t either. i don’t think i ever will. i don’t think i ever could. i don’t want to. i don’t want you to either.

i’ll hold on to you forever, grasping onto your t-shirt…

Austin

Monday, December 14, 2009

I’m becoming a real traveler. I can get to the airport on time, get checked in, and get on a plane all on my own. I have these moments where I kind of sit back and realize that just six months ago I’d been traveling either with my parents or my entire family. I never traveled anywhere (besides in my car) without a travel buddy. But I’m slowly becoming an adult. It’s a strange thing to come to realize.

I loved Austin. In the three busy days I spent there I fell in love with South Congress (locally referred to as SoCo) and the never-ending supply of music and food all around the city. My flight arrived around 3 in the afternoon. Considering the time change, it was around 1:00 my time. Dad picked me up and we immediately drove out to his new office building where I was introduced to a handful of his coworkers. All were fairly young (early to mid-thirties) and seemed to be nice. Dad was really excited about the office and the company in general. He has high hopes of becoming an owner of the company within the next year, and if things go the right way, that’s where he’ll be. That would be very good news for my family as far as finances go. From the office, we spent the next hour driving around various parts of Austin, listening to my dad explain the streets and the buildings. There was so much history about which band played where and what celebrity lived on what street I was quickly exhausted. I decided I wanted to take a nap and get a quick shower in before we picked up the rest of my family later that night. After checking into the hotel, Dad and I swung by the restaurant downstairs. Lo and behold, it was happy hour and the usual pricey appetizers were half off. This was lucky for me because I was starving and the lamb sliders sounded much too appealing to pass up. After getting those delectable burgers to-go, Dad left to give me some time to rest and freshen up. I decided to take a very hot, very long shower: Typically the most desirable thing after a day of traveling. I took my time getting myself together, donning my cowboy boots for the evening events, before letting Dad know I was ready to be picked up.

We used the next hour to further explore downtown Austin, specifically 6^th Street and the stretch of clubs, bars, and restaurants. The night had hardly begun and people were already starting to fill the street. We rolled down our windows and let the various bands in bars act as our radio. Because the weather was a bit unfavorable, the floor-to-ceiling window/door pieces of each building that are typically wide open were closed, save for the few that let us listen to some good folky tunes. The nightlife was intoxicating and I got really excited thinking about future dates and girls’ nights spent walking up and down this street. After admiring various popular restaurants, we made our way to the airport to pick up the rest of the O-gang.

We ended up going to a party for this up and coming brand of tea called Sweet Leaf. The airplane hangar turned office building was filled with 30-year old business men and women, Austin-style. Boots and floral prints galore. I loved it because I got the chance to people watch. We were introduced to a few more of my dad’s coworkers who showed up and we snacked on TexMex and free tea. Music was bumpin’, Super Mario was playing on a big screen television, and an entire room was dedicated to ping pong/beer pong. Even with so much going on, it wasn’t a kid-friendly scene (although, I don’t really count as a kid anymore…). We got bored pretty quickly and left about an hour into the party. We finished the night off with dessert at this tiny little restaurant that was playing The Goonies on a brick wall. We gave the boys a quick tour of 6^th street and the surrounding areas before heading back to our suite at the Four Seasons.

Bright and early we awoke the next morning. The ‘rents picked us up and we drove over to the Whole Foods headquarters. Offices adjacent to, I’m sure, the country’s largest Whole Foods grocery store. We feasted on breakfast tacos and coffee then made our rounds around the store. I enjoyed the free samples. Our next destination was South Congress. We zipped in and out of the stores there, browsing for Christmas gifts and generally taking in the good Austin vibes. We hung around the trailer area for lunch and tried our first “cone” food. The Mighty Cone. A small white trailer plastered with menus and neon signs. Chicken and avocado cones are most popular and my family played it fairly safe by sticking to that. Deep fried chicken and avocado come together in a tortilla, covered in a mild chili sauce. The whole thing is put into a paper drink cone and served. An interesting but very tasty concept. With my glass Coke bottle in hand, it was a close to perfect midday meal. Our next stop was Hey Cupcake! down the block. Another trailer, topped with a spinning pink cupcake. We got them boxed togo and continued on up SoCo. We made a stop at the famous Lucy in Disguise With Diamonds costume store. Every space was filled with a wig, hat, dress, shoe, mask, cape, pant, eyelash…Everything you could ever want for a costume could be found in this store. Costumes were stored by Genre or movie or time period. It was fantastic, but I felt incredibly overwhelmed. Our next visit was to Big Top Candy Shop. I was in love. The walls were painted with red and yellow stripes, like a circus tent. Vintage posters and instruments decorated each wall and candy spilled out of buckets in the center of the room. Practically every candy you could ever want could be found there, plus ice cream! The boys dug right in and I wandered around with my camera.

After a bit more wandering, we went to dad’s apartment. I took a quick nap on the couch while mom and dad got ready for the office party. The “kids’” plans for the night? Dinner and a movie…while watching a movie. The Alamo Drafthouse is a weekend hotspot for Austinites all around. An old movie theater, with rows of seats gutted out and replaced with bench tables. You sit, you order, you watch a movie, you eat. We ordered burgers, cokes, and shakes and watched New Moon. Afterwards, we called ourselves a taxi to get back to our hotel where we passed out and slept soundly.

The family had brunch at South Congress Café and ate some of the best breakfast food in the country. The freshly made tortillas and migas were delicious. My stomach is growling just remembering…

I’d heard that Ben Kweller was in town recording a new project. He’d posted the location on Twitter, so naturally, I looked it up to see how far away it was from downtown. Just 3 miles. Dad set up the GPS and we were off. We ended up in the middle of a neighborhood and thought we’d made a wrong turn…But then we noticed a shoulder-high iron gate revealing a dirt driveway in the middle of a field of dry yellow grass. It had the same address we’d looked up, so we drove on in. It was a dark wooded, almost cabin-like, house. Three cars were parked in the driveway with their windows open. We lingered around for a bit, trying to hear or see something…but nothing. Mom wanted to just walk right up and knock on the door, but I felt like that crossed some creepy lines. I chickened out and we continued on our Austin-adventure.

We killed time driving around neighborhoods, looking at potential houses. We made two more trips to Hey Cupcake! for more cupcakes and wandered around retails stores. Mom and the boys flew back home around 5 and dad and I went to this outdoor restaurant to eat and watch the Chargers-Cowboys game. After some good Tex-Mex, we headed back to his apartment where I, out of utter exhaustion, passed out almost immediately.

We woke up at 5:00 the next morning to get over to the airport for my very early plane flight back to Eugene. We said our goodbyes and I did my travel thing. Coming back to an abandoned and cold city was not fun. It seemed as though everything had just stopped… He was gone too, and it was almost like I could feel the difference in the air or something cheesy like that. It felt different and even though I was only back for 3 days, it seemed like much longer.

That’s my first trip to Texas. I’ll be updating with the rest of my break eventually… It’s proving to be a slow process. <3

another year gone by

Am I expecting something out of this year's birthday? I don't know.

I don't think about it. I don't want it to be a big deal. It's not. I'm hoping it won't really feel like my birthday at all so that way it'll be easier to brush it off.

I'll let you know the outcome. Maybe.

I'm losing my ability to write. It's not that I lack inspiration. That's seeming to come very easily lately... I just struggle to write well. It's all from intimidation. The pressure to not so much "beat you", but to at least be at your level. If I were to write a poem the length of yours, it would have taken me a good chunk of my day. I can't imagine you were sat down for much longer than 30 minutes. Not that it's poor quality by any means... Everything just comes so naturally for you. You're so good. At everything.

I'm trying so hard to keep up the walls. I pack more cement layers onto my heart every day...but you've got this new chemical that seems to melt the stone away... You don't realize what you do.

I'm too scared. I'm too exhausted. I'm too frustrated. But I want so badly to be saved.