grasping.

it was july 4th, 2009.

you disappointed your family to be with me. at our “last” fourth of july.

you left the campsite at 5 in the morning to drive 2 hours to our hotel. i was so excited to see you i’d hardly slept the night before. i never told you that…

i was up by 4. showered & dressed by the time you called. i met you at the elevator. it had only been one day since i’d last seen you, but that time felt like weeks for me. i never told you that…

you were tired. i could tell. you were kind of grumpy, but you hid it. you were happy to be with me. i know that you did a lot to come to me. i never told you how much i appreciated that…

the parade, my eccentric family, my extended family that i hardly know, the beach & the towels we forgot to bring, all that food that we still never figured out how we managed to eat…you were there. & i was so happy. everyone could see how happy i was. i happy we were. how perfect we were together. everyone knew. & everyone was jealous. all the comments about how i was leaving, how it wouldn’t last… they all came from jealousy. but they still stung. it was the sting that never faded away.

the fireworks. our shitty viewing spot. my frustrating parents…i was annoyed. & you knew it. but you held me close to your chest. you let me lean on you during the show even though your back was killing you. your cheek resting on my head, your arms around me. the fireworks ended too soon…

you were supposed to sleep on the roll-away bed. on the opposite side of the room. but my brothers fell asleep. & you never wanted to move. i never wanted you to move. we were safe in those white sheets, under the down comforter. i fell asleep in your arms. i knew you were watching me, listening to me breathe. it was easy to relax with you there. so easy. just like everything else with you.

you fell asleep too. at some point i don’t remember.

i hate a nightmare. of all nights, i had a nightmare in your arms. when i knew i could never be any more safe.

i woke up crying. & you woke up too. you just knew something wasn’t right. & you just held me.

“what’s wrong? sarabeth…what’s wrong”

i shook my head & spilt more tears onto your t-shirt.

“hey…it’s okay…it’s okay…shhh…”

i clutched onto your arms & tugged at your sleeves. the tears wouldn’t stop. the knot in my throat wouldn’t go away. i was ruining this perfect night. knowing that made it worse…

“i don’t want to leave you. i don’t want to go…”

your breathing stopped. it staggered. i could hear the low, deep thump from your chest.

“i don’t want you to leave either. but it’s okay… we’ll be fine. i love you. we are in love. do you know how rare that is? do you realize what we have? we’re going to be okay. we have to be…”

neither of us truly believed we would be okay. but you were doing your job. you were taking care of me, like you always said you would. like you’d always promised to do.

you held onto the back of my head and kissed my forehead. once, twice… the third time was drawn out. you inhaled. you exhaled.

i lifted my chin up to meet your beautiful brown eyes. i touched your nose with mine.

your fingers brushed back my hair and rested behind my ear.

and you kissed me. timidly. fearful. anticipating what we both feared, even though it wouldn’t come for another 3 months.

and i kissed you back. i was embarrassed by the salt taste in my mouth. i knew you could taste it too. but you didn’t let go of me. you never let me go. and i never wanted you to…

and even now, after our fears became reality, you still haven’t let go. and i haven’t either. i don’t think i ever will. i don’t think i ever could. i don’t want to. i don’t want you to either.

i’ll hold on to you forever, grasping onto your t-shirt…