The More I Think About It...

…the more depressed I get about Harry Potter ending. I know it’s not really ending since we’ll always have the books and the movies to rewatch… and we have Pottermore to look forward to. But it’s just really sad that this is the last film and the last time that I’ll be heading to a midnight premiere. It’s marking the end of an era. And it’s another reminder that my childhood is over. It’s sad.

I remember the anticipation I felt before seeing the first HP film. I’d been a strong follower of the first few books and had high expectations for the films as well. Seconds into the opening scenes of The Sorcerer’s (Philosopher’s) Stone, I recall myself sitting on edge with excitement and immediately falling in love with the actors. I learned their names nearly right away and quickly developed a crush on Daniel Radcliffe. It was actually borderline obsessive with the printed photos I’d posted all over my walls and the “dream scenes” I’d written myself into for a Harry Potter world that included me as a witch. I even made this embarrassing video that I sent to Daniel for his birthday, narrating my life and introducing him to my family while asking all sorts of questions. I was overly ecstatic to receive a Thank You letter from Dan a few months later attached to an autographed photo. I lived Harry Potter. I was convinced, much like many other HP fans, that I would receive my owl to Hogwarts on my eleventh birthday. Even after I’d celebrated my thirteenth birthday I still hadn’t given up hope. And a strong part of me still crosses my fingers for that owl…

I hate to sound like everyone else who is nostalgic for “the ending”, but the Harry Potter Series really did give my generation so much hope. Hogwarts and the magical scenes surrounding became our dream world; where we could escape from our own lives and immerse ourselves in this beautiful fantasy where almost anything could happen. Harry Potter fans have imagined themselves and their roles in the Harry Potter series. We’ve found our houses and our wands.. or more, they’ve found us; we’ve boarded Platform 9 and 3/4 and chatted with friends aboard the Hogwarts Express; we’ve dined in the Great Hall and ventured to Hogsmeade in the snow. We’ve stashed away Chocolate Frogs and Bertie Bott’s Beans into the pockets of our robes and sipped on warm mugs of Butterbeer at The Three Broomsticks. We’ve felt the love and protection from Hagrid and we’ve cringed at the sight of Snape. We’ve flown on our brooms and cheered on our House in Quidditch. We’ve dealt with death and loss as well as birth and growth. We’ve stood by the Golden Trio and battled Voldemort for nearly thirteen years. Our childhood was better because of Harry, Ron, Hermione, and everyone else in the series. Our childhood was better because of J.K. Rowling.

I know that I can’t dream forever and I know that the stories of Harry Potter must come to a close, but that doesn’t mean it’s really ending. I know that a piece of Harry will live on inside of me, inside all of us… all because we became who we are today by reading these books and watching these films. We grew into our true selves with the aid of JKR and Harry, Ron and Hermione, Daniel, Rupert and Emma. Thanks to Harry Potter we learned courage, self-sacrifice, and strength. We found friendship, love, compassion, devotion, and trust.Thanks to Harry Potter we found a sense of belonging and guidance to happiness.

Thanks to Harry Potter we found real magic.

Not seeing you is making me want you so much more. If that's your plan, it's working.

I'm intoxicated with thoughts of you. It's certainly not normal, but I don't mind one bit. I'm throwing most of what I've got into this right now and I have no idea where you stand. And for now, I'm fine not knowing. I trust you and I know something good will come out of this. I hope you feel that too.

Overdue

I was willing. I tried. I tried hard and felt like the only one.

You changed in the time that we were apart. And that's okay for you, but not for me. Not when I was hoping for consistency, for familiarity. I was hoping to depend on you like I used to. I was hoping to find so much comfort in your words. And for some reason, this time around, I just couldn't. But I did try. And now I wonder if I should have waited a bit longer. I know you'll suggest I should have; that it was too fresh, that we both needed time to get back into a swing.
You threw me completely off-guard and I fell fast and hard to the ground. You made comments and did things that I never thought you capable of. You were disrespectful and short tempered and not the open-minded and free-loving person I met almost 2 years ago. That part of you confused me and I crawled back into my cave and the walls shot right back up.
I wanted the romance. Maybe it was a bit too soon, but that's what I needed. I know that part of you is still here. It's who you are and it's the first thing I fell in love with. The hardest part of all of this is knowing that you never put any of that on the forefront. Despite your reasons for holding back, I was expecting more emotion from you.
And now I'm back to where I was before. Except this time, you're ignoring me. I can't say I blame you fully. I'm a hypocrite for wanting consistency and not giving it. So for that, I am sorry. But I wish you could find some patience to set aside for me.
While this has felt like more of an ending than ever before, I'm not done trying. I'm not ready to give up on you.

over a year later

and i feel like i'm back on the backburner.
it won't work like this.

and so it goes...

as the entirely of the world around me crumbles down into messy, convoluted pieces and as the channels in my brain fishtail plait themselves into a mess of mind-numbing fuckery and jibberish, i am excited for this. i can't help but allow myself to hold some hope.
i have so much power at this point. and you can bet your bottom dollar i'm going to stretch it out for as long as i'm able. i deserve this. and you know it. that's what makes this all so much more enjoyable.

but as much lee-way i know i carry, i'm giving this to you. this is in your hands.

prove me wrong, you win.






you always liked games though, didn't you?

lifted weights

i just have to get this off my chest.

wednesday night was incredible. one of the best nights i have had in a long long time. as childish as it was to leave my house in the pouring rain in the middle of the night and to sit in my parked car outside of his house for 3 hours, our conversation was one of the most comfortable i've had in months.
and just... everything. being kissed like that. being held like that. for someone to get clammy hands over me... to make someone that nervous. to make someone that excited to spend time with me...and then to make someone so happy over just being able to kiss me. such a good good feeling.
and it went both ways. i was just as excited. and just as happy. and just as mesmerized.
and those eyes. god damn those eyes. and that smile. damn.

then those subtle remarks: "you should have a girlfriend...", "you...you.". and the face holding. and pushing back my hair. and all the holding. goodness, all that holding. i felt so secure with myself and so comfortable with everything.

my compulsive side says we can. we can try. we can do it. but i know we never will. and i know we never could. it's too fragile and it would break so quickly. but i love the idea.

i don't need anyone to take care of me. i don't. i don't. i don't.

i cut my bangs

i haven't had bangs in over a year. just about.
today i took scissors and snipped away until i was satisfied.
there's something freeing about cutting your own hair. dead cells with no nerve endings, but still a part of you and your body.
i want to chop all of my hair off one day. it's always been on my mind and i really think it's something i should do at some point in my life. i was tempted to do it today. i stared at myself in the mirror for a good 60 seconds before i made the decision to put the shears back on the counter.
the sad thing is, the only reason why i didn't do it is because i'm worried about what people would think. i'm worried that people wouldn't think i'm pretty anymore.

i love being home and feeling whole again. that void is somehow always filled when i'm back, even though so much is still awry.

i tell my mom a lot these days. much more than i would have ever dared to tell her when i still lived in this house. and she's the same way. there are no filters between us anymore...at least none that are too limiting. i like that.

i'm struggling to figure out if i want a relationship or just a warm body. most nights, i just want a warm body. boyfriends make me feel sick and being a girlfriend again makes me feel even sicker.
but then there are a lot of times when i want romance in my life again. it's funny how i used to thrive off of the romance and it was all that i believed in. i'm not so sure about it anymore. i'm not sure if there is such a thing, and if there is, if i even need it at all. i've done so well without it at this point...
i don't believe in love anymore either. and commitment. and trust. they aren't real. they're feelings. and feelings are fleeting.

hopeless romantic gone pessimist.
and perfectly content with it all.