lifted weights

i just have to get this off my chest.

wednesday night was incredible. one of the best nights i have had in a long long time. as childish as it was to leave my house in the pouring rain in the middle of the night and to sit in my parked car outside of his house for 3 hours, our conversation was one of the most comfortable i've had in months.
and just... everything. being kissed like that. being held like that. for someone to get clammy hands over me... to make someone that nervous. to make someone that excited to spend time with me...and then to make someone so happy over just being able to kiss me. such a good good feeling.
and it went both ways. i was just as excited. and just as happy. and just as mesmerized.
and those eyes. god damn those eyes. and that smile. damn.

then those subtle remarks: "you should have a girlfriend...", "you...you.". and the face holding. and pushing back my hair. and all the holding. goodness, all that holding. i felt so secure with myself and so comfortable with everything.

my compulsive side says we can. we can try. we can do it. but i know we never will. and i know we never could. it's too fragile and it would break so quickly. but i love the idea.

i don't need anyone to take care of me. i don't. i don't. i don't.