i cut my bangs

i haven't had bangs in over a year. just about.
today i took scissors and snipped away until i was satisfied.
there's something freeing about cutting your own hair. dead cells with no nerve endings, but still a part of you and your body.
i want to chop all of my hair off one day. it's always been on my mind and i really think it's something i should do at some point in my life. i was tempted to do it today. i stared at myself in the mirror for a good 60 seconds before i made the decision to put the shears back on the counter.
the sad thing is, the only reason why i didn't do it is because i'm worried about what people would think. i'm worried that people wouldn't think i'm pretty anymore.

i love being home and feeling whole again. that void is somehow always filled when i'm back, even though so much is still awry.

i tell my mom a lot these days. much more than i would have ever dared to tell her when i still lived in this house. and she's the same way. there are no filters between us anymore...at least none that are too limiting. i like that.

i'm struggling to figure out if i want a relationship or just a warm body. most nights, i just want a warm body. boyfriends make me feel sick and being a girlfriend again makes me feel even sicker.
but then there are a lot of times when i want romance in my life again. it's funny how i used to thrive off of the romance and it was all that i believed in. i'm not so sure about it anymore. i'm not sure if there is such a thing, and if there is, if i even need it at all. i've done so well without it at this point...
i don't believe in love anymore either. and commitment. and trust. they aren't real. they're feelings. and feelings are fleeting.

hopeless romantic gone pessimist.
and perfectly content with it all.