Overdue

I was willing. I tried. I tried hard and felt like the only one.

You changed in the time that we were apart. And that's okay for you, but not for me. Not when I was hoping for consistency, for familiarity. I was hoping to depend on you like I used to. I was hoping to find so much comfort in your words. And for some reason, this time around, I just couldn't. But I did try. And now I wonder if I should have waited a bit longer. I know you'll suggest I should have; that it was too fresh, that we both needed time to get back into a swing.
You threw me completely off-guard and I fell fast and hard to the ground. You made comments and did things that I never thought you capable of. You were disrespectful and short tempered and not the open-minded and free-loving person I met almost 2 years ago. That part of you confused me and I crawled back into my cave and the walls shot right back up.
I wanted the romance. Maybe it was a bit too soon, but that's what I needed. I know that part of you is still here. It's who you are and it's the first thing I fell in love with. The hardest part of all of this is knowing that you never put any of that on the forefront. Despite your reasons for holding back, I was expecting more emotion from you.
And now I'm back to where I was before. Except this time, you're ignoring me. I can't say I blame you fully. I'm a hypocrite for wanting consistency and not giving it. So for that, I am sorry. But I wish you could find some patience to set aside for me.
While this has felt like more of an ending than ever before, I'm not done trying. I'm not ready to give up on you.

over a year later

and i feel like i'm back on the backburner.
it won't work like this.

and so it goes...

as the entirely of the world around me crumbles down into messy, convoluted pieces and as the channels in my brain fishtail plait themselves into a mess of mind-numbing fuckery and jibberish, i am excited for this. i can't help but allow myself to hold some hope.
i have so much power at this point. and you can bet your bottom dollar i'm going to stretch it out for as long as i'm able. i deserve this. and you know it. that's what makes this all so much more enjoyable.

but as much lee-way i know i carry, i'm giving this to you. this is in your hands.

prove me wrong, you win.






you always liked games though, didn't you?

lifted weights

i just have to get this off my chest.

wednesday night was incredible. one of the best nights i have had in a long long time. as childish as it was to leave my house in the pouring rain in the middle of the night and to sit in my parked car outside of his house for 3 hours, our conversation was one of the most comfortable i've had in months.
and just... everything. being kissed like that. being held like that. for someone to get clammy hands over me... to make someone that nervous. to make someone that excited to spend time with me...and then to make someone so happy over just being able to kiss me. such a good good feeling.
and it went both ways. i was just as excited. and just as happy. and just as mesmerized.
and those eyes. god damn those eyes. and that smile. damn.

then those subtle remarks: "you should have a girlfriend...", "you...you.". and the face holding. and pushing back my hair. and all the holding. goodness, all that holding. i felt so secure with myself and so comfortable with everything.

my compulsive side says we can. we can try. we can do it. but i know we never will. and i know we never could. it's too fragile and it would break so quickly. but i love the idea.

i don't need anyone to take care of me. i don't. i don't. i don't.

i cut my bangs

i haven't had bangs in over a year. just about.
today i took scissors and snipped away until i was satisfied.
there's something freeing about cutting your own hair. dead cells with no nerve endings, but still a part of you and your body.
i want to chop all of my hair off one day. it's always been on my mind and i really think it's something i should do at some point in my life. i was tempted to do it today. i stared at myself in the mirror for a good 60 seconds before i made the decision to put the shears back on the counter.
the sad thing is, the only reason why i didn't do it is because i'm worried about what people would think. i'm worried that people wouldn't think i'm pretty anymore.

i love being home and feeling whole again. that void is somehow always filled when i'm back, even though so much is still awry.

i tell my mom a lot these days. much more than i would have ever dared to tell her when i still lived in this house. and she's the same way. there are no filters between us anymore...at least none that are too limiting. i like that.

i'm struggling to figure out if i want a relationship or just a warm body. most nights, i just want a warm body. boyfriends make me feel sick and being a girlfriend again makes me feel even sicker.
but then there are a lot of times when i want romance in my life again. it's funny how i used to thrive off of the romance and it was all that i believed in. i'm not so sure about it anymore. i'm not sure if there is such a thing, and if there is, if i even need it at all. i've done so well without it at this point...
i don't believe in love anymore either. and commitment. and trust. they aren't real. they're feelings. and feelings are fleeting.

hopeless romantic gone pessimist.
and perfectly content with it all.

Back into the swing of things...

It's been quite a while since I've really written out anything that I've been thinking or feeling lately. Which is incredibly surprising since there is so much going on in my life right now that I can hardly keep myself going. I can't figure out if I'm happy or not. I feel happy. I feel more upbeat and fulfilled and I feel like I'm definitely satisfied with my life here in Eugene...but then I get to thinking about the bigger picture and how much else there is for me to deal with and then I can't possibly imagine that I'm truly happy.

Isn't it true that when a new door opens we tend to backtrack and reconsider? I suppose that's not always true for everyone...but I feel like it is for me. I can never move onto a new stage without thinking back on the past. I don't know if I do this to be sure not to make the same mistakes again or if I just do it to compare... I have a really difficult time living in the present. I've been working on that, but I still can't break the habit.

I actually kind of expected this relapse. I did. I know myself and my emotions well enough by now that I can tell when I'm going to be stupid. The surprising part about this time around is that I started missing you. And I feel stupid because I know I've dragged you through so much bullshit and so much confusion over the past year. And I know that I was the one who left you behind. And now there's a part of me that wants to go back to you? That's ridiculous.

But as ridiculous as it sounds to me, to you, and to everyone else, it's definitely true. We never had our shot and maybe now I'm ready to try. But then again, maybe I'm not. I haven't seen you in weeks and the last time we made contact it was a complete accident, a circumstance of which I am sure you've tried to avoid at all costs. I have no idea where your head is these days and I have no knowledge of any kind of relationship you may be trying to have right now...but I do find myself hoping to run into you.

You know who I used to compare you to when we were together. And as shitty as that was, it made sense. Now, you're the one sweeping through my thoughts when I finally feel like I'm ready to be with someone new. It's something I did not expect to happen, especially after the way we left things.

I miss having someone around who gets me. I miss the familiarity and the comfort of having a best friend. I miss having intelligent conversations with someone who has opinions that are polar opposite than mine. I miss how easy it was between us, even though we were always in disagreement about something. I liked that you had opinions and thoughts and feelings and beliefs. And I liked that you put up with the fact that I would never back down from my own.

I hope this post comes as a surprise to you. I'm sure it will. And I hope it makes you mad, or at least frustrates you. I'm sure it will, too, because we both now how easily it is for me to stir up those emotions in you. I'm stubborn and fickle and indecisive and complicated. I've known my flaws and I've learned to adapt to life without them taking over my thought-processes entirely. But this is one compulsive post that I felt was necessary. It's been steeping in my mind for too long now and hopefully this gets to you some day.

I'm not asking you to act on anything I've said here, but I would be lying if I told you I'm not expecting some sort of response from you. Whether it takes you 5 minutes or 5 months, I'm sure it'll come around eventually. And I'll be ready. Be it good or bad.

i don't think i have ever been this uncomfortable in my own skin.
i'm constantly trying to hide myself now.
i hate this.