I'm finding symbolism in everything. How I talk, & I'm ignored. How I sacrifice, & it's seen as selfishness. How it's cold & rainy all the time now...

It's all symbolic.

I brought it upon myself, I know. Typically, I'd blame it on something. My mood, an illness, the time of the month, the situation, misinterpretation. But I don't have anything to blame it on this time. It's all me. I made the choice. I suffer the consequences.

I don't like hurting. I hate emotional pain much more than anything else. It's the reason why I started cutting, why I've suffered from every eating disorder in the book.

But it's also why I quit. It's why I decided to move away and be independent. To prove to myself that I can make my own life. I can do it all on my own.

I never had a doubt that I could make it all on my own. I never did. There have been setbacks, but I've overcome them. For the most part. My heart has been broken multiple times. Friends I thought would be there for me forever are gone. My family has disappointed me in a lot of ways. The one person I thought would always stand behind me and support me turned into the single person who was holding me back. The future that I was holding onto so tightly, relying on, depending on, praying for, who knows where his head is. I doubt it's with me anymore.

I keep repeating my love for consistency. But that's not it, not really. I just need to feel some compassion. I need something real. I need something solid. Words only mean so much to me. I need to feel it. Prove it to me. Show me. I need that.

I'm done chasing. I'm tired.

I need to focus on my life right now. I need to figure out where I'm going. I want you to be a part of that. I want you to be where I'm going. But I don't need hesitation. I don't need fear. I'm certain of what I want. I know you're not. Be free while you can. But I can't wait.

This blog wasn't supposed to be about you.