Back into the swing of things...

It's been quite a while since I've really written out anything that I've been thinking or feeling lately. Which is incredibly surprising since there is so much going on in my life right now that I can hardly keep myself going. I can't figure out if I'm happy or not. I feel happy. I feel more upbeat and fulfilled and I feel like I'm definitely satisfied with my life here in Eugene...but then I get to thinking about the bigger picture and how much else there is for me to deal with and then I can't possibly imagine that I'm truly happy.

Isn't it true that when a new door opens we tend to backtrack and reconsider? I suppose that's not always true for everyone...but I feel like it is for me. I can never move onto a new stage without thinking back on the past. I don't know if I do this to be sure not to make the same mistakes again or if I just do it to compare... I have a really difficult time living in the present. I've been working on that, but I still can't break the habit.

I actually kind of expected this relapse. I did. I know myself and my emotions well enough by now that I can tell when I'm going to be stupid. The surprising part about this time around is that I started missing you. And I feel stupid because I know I've dragged you through so much bullshit and so much confusion over the past year. And I know that I was the one who left you behind. And now there's a part of me that wants to go back to you? That's ridiculous.

But as ridiculous as it sounds to me, to you, and to everyone else, it's definitely true. We never had our shot and maybe now I'm ready to try. But then again, maybe I'm not. I haven't seen you in weeks and the last time we made contact it was a complete accident, a circumstance of which I am sure you've tried to avoid at all costs. I have no idea where your head is these days and I have no knowledge of any kind of relationship you may be trying to have right now...but I do find myself hoping to run into you.

You know who I used to compare you to when we were together. And as shitty as that was, it made sense. Now, you're the one sweeping through my thoughts when I finally feel like I'm ready to be with someone new. It's something I did not expect to happen, especially after the way we left things.

I miss having someone around who gets me. I miss the familiarity and the comfort of having a best friend. I miss having intelligent conversations with someone who has opinions that are polar opposite than mine. I miss how easy it was between us, even though we were always in disagreement about something. I liked that you had opinions and thoughts and feelings and beliefs. And I liked that you put up with the fact that I would never back down from my own.

I hope this post comes as a surprise to you. I'm sure it will. And I hope it makes you mad, or at least frustrates you. I'm sure it will, too, because we both now how easily it is for me to stir up those emotions in you. I'm stubborn and fickle and indecisive and complicated. I've known my flaws and I've learned to adapt to life without them taking over my thought-processes entirely. But this is one compulsive post that I felt was necessary. It's been steeping in my mind for too long now and hopefully this gets to you some day.

I'm not asking you to act on anything I've said here, but I would be lying if I told you I'm not expecting some sort of response from you. Whether it takes you 5 minutes or 5 months, I'm sure it'll come around eventually. And I'll be ready. Be it good or bad.

i don't think i have ever been this uncomfortable in my own skin.
i'm constantly trying to hide myself now.
i hate this.

today

just fucking sucked.

looking back on posts from last year on this blog and on tumblr, i hardly recognize that person anymore.
i had to go through and delete my old booths on dailybooth because it made me sick to look at that person.
i'm too different now. but not in a bad way. at least i don't think so.
i'm hardened, that's for sure. but i don't see that as a negative quality. i'd like to think i'm smarter now; that i've lost a good chuck of my naivety. the world is mean. people are heartless and rarely want what's best for you. i spent too much time letting my guard down and allowing people to take advantage of me. i don't want to be that weak anymore.
i still love whole-heartedly, even if i don't show it in the same ways. i ache for people to find happiness within their lives and i try to make things as easy as possible. i try to stay out of the way. granted, i fail frequently and end up in the center balancing various ends of the spectrum, but i'm okay with that. for now.
actually, i think i'll be okay with that forever. i'm really happy with where i am lately. i love that i'm finally over him and that i can go most days of the week without thinking about him. it's so freeing.
[so i can't blame you for your blog because if it brought you any of the same release that i'm feeling, it was incredibly overdue.]
i miss things in the past, but i've accepted that change is what life is about. nothing is ever stationery. everything is constantly changing and moving and evolving. and that is okay.


it is okay.

be wise.

until the water is clear, i think it's safe to keep your distance.

i'm never happy with my posts anymore.
i write out really long paragraphs about things, but end up deleting them.

september 14, 2010

i wrote out this really long post about the way my head works sometimes.
i deleted it.

i didn't feel like revealing that much.